Triggers post PPD

Read an interesting article today about anxiety triggers post PPD. It is like my body is programed to act a certain way when certain things happen.

It is hard to re-learn how to repsond to life's cicumstances and to act normally as possible.

The new me?

Somday my biggest fear and question is : Will I ever be "me" again? Will I ever feel like the "normal" me that I was before all this junk happened? As I have been reading diffferent PPD blogs recently, I am finding that I am not the only PPD mom out there with the say question rambling in her head. And what I have read is pretty much the same everywhere. No. I will not the me again. ever. again.

Me is now different because I have walked a road very few moms are willing to admit to others. The "me" now is scared, broken. But, because of this walk, I can be a more compassionate, loving, caring, wiser, understanding woman, with knowledge under my belt that most will never understand unless you have walked the road.

Sometimes, though, I really just want to be the "me" that I have known for 30+ years. This new "me" is all too new. I don't know how to operate properly yet.

Is it normal?

Was reading the blog: http://www.postpartumprogress.com/ and came across the following. Sometimes I just find something I have been thinking about on another blog and they have put into words what I can not.

Is this normal?
Do other moms with PPD/PPA/PPOCD/APD have the same experiences?
Am I one of the ones who will never get better?
The answer is yes, the other moms are having the same experiences, and no, you are not a lost cause.

I can't express to you how much I understand why you are worried. I understand how you feel. I know you are scared out of your wits. I know you are concerned that this is your new reality. I understand why you have these questions, because I had them too. I deeply understand and acknowledge your feelings.

I also understand that you are desperate to talk to someone who gets it. Fact is, most people don't get it. Not your friends, or your family members or your partners. How could they? Even the ones who are really trying? Would you have gotten it before you had postpartum depression? Would any of this have made sense to you? It certainly wouldn't have to me.

It is difficult if not impossible to communicate to someone how you can feel a way that you don't want to, or aren't choosing to. To this day, I have NEVER been able to satisfactorily explain to those who love me and believe in me how I could have an intrusive thought. No one can comprehend the idea of having a thought in your brain that you didn't put there. Nor can I explain why someone with so many blessings in her life would be so completely unable to enjoy any of them. It happens, though. I'm proof. You are too.

So listen up: Don't fight against the fact that others may not understand. Don't be mad at them because they don't get it. Don't assume that no one will ever get it, that no one can help you or that no one cares. Instead, share your worries and fears and disappointment with us. Talk. Cry. Shout.

Simple thoughts for me to learn.

To heal, I need to learn to hear the still voice of the Lord.

I need to understand the Holy Spirit's guidance in my life.

He wants His voice known by me.

I need to rebuild direct intimacy with my Maker.

I am important to God.

God came to redeem, heal and restore me.

A first for me today.

Just bought the first baby item today for our new baby that will come someday. It was really emotional and I wasn't ready for that. It suddenly made the possibility of another baby kinda become a reality though!

Simple truth......

Here's a sentence that someone told me 2 weeks ago that I have had stuck in the back of my head. Simple but true.....

Jesus is compassionate.

I sometimes fail to remember the gentle love that Christ has for me.

Articles not to forget

Here's a link to a web site with a list of encouraging verses to remember when I am depressed.

Here's another page that links to an encouraging poem on depression. She decribes perfectly what I have felt the last 2 years. An excellent article on how to turn the negatives thoughts into positive, truthful ones.

Good quote

Read this quote on www.harvestinghope.com

"Hope can grow from the soil of illness."

Really really like that.

PPD and your mind

There is a phrase that I think of often, that comes to my mind daily. I read it in Brooke Shields book, "Down came the rain" which I have yet to finish and probably never will. Her words in the book are too real for me, at least probably still right now. It was the first book I ever read about PPD and it opened my eyes so much. It was the first time I actually realized someone else has thought, felt, and experienced what I do. I remember the tears I shed as well that night.

It was from that book that I remember so vividly this one sentence. "Every quiet moment was filled with dread." This sentence sums up in my mind what it is like to live with and through PPD. If someone were to ask me what it was like to walk through PPD, I would probably quote this sentence to them.

Yes, I know that sentence it is very depresssing and dark, but that is want PPD is like. It is not just a dull numbness, no - it is complete darkness - the utter feeling of loosing your mind, loosing your sanity, loosing your center point on life. It is all gone and you live moment by moment, hoping that tomorrow is better or at least the same and not worse. At least that is how I felt.

Some days my posts can't always be about life getting better or what I am learning. No, today's post is what my gut felt and still feels some days. This is what I want to go away the most - the feelings I still feel. I want to feel normal in my mind the most. That is hard because not only does PPD affect your physical body, but also you mental being as well.

Not all my days are filled with dread anymore and for that I am so thankful. I am learning to fill my mind with blessings and joys and seeing the progress that is being made, thanks to those who love me tell me. Just some things are hard to let go.

Yearnings of the heart

What is it that makes a women naturally desire to love and cuddle, and raise a little sweet child? Why is it that the Lord gave us the desire to nuture so strongly? Today I held a baby again and that feeling...you know that feeling deep inside you that wants another. It's not a feeling of envy or jealousy but a feeling of wanting to give your entire being for another person, to give all your love to another child, the feeling of fullfillment.

Even in the midst of anxiety, fear, sadness, or whatever I feel most days, that desire to have another bundle of joy in my life is there. Perhaps the way that that bundle may arrive someday might be different that how E joined us, but none the less, each and every child gives me that feeling deep down.

And it is hard to wait.

Guilt - what to do with it?

Guilt is a hard thing to shake. I tend to internalize everything and always feel guilty if I put anyone out, or make life hard for others - especially my husband. He has been there beside me for 3.5 years of marriage and has always put me first. I so wish that the first 3.5 years of our marriage could have been easy for us both, but he reminded me last night that he loves me regardless and that he and I are BOTH walking this road together, side by side. It is not my fault and I do not need to feel guilty. Even though I don't really understand how to get ride of guilty thoughts and feelings and it is something I need to learn, I really appreciate him telling me. I know you are reading this Babe - I love you with all my heart! Thank you for walking with me nad making this road easier to bear - especailly today.

Her blue eyes

I look at mt little girl today and realize that she is worth every moment I have had to endure the last 2 years. What cuteness and joy in my life. When she looks at me with her little blue mischievious eyes, I can't help but realize that God chose for me to be her mommy and give birth to her - and to walk this very difficult and lonely walk so that she could have life and someday hopefully become a child of God.