4 years - wow!

4 years old.

I don't know how we got here so fast but we did!

Life with a boy has been interesting! He's the one that's gotten into paint, Vaseline, climbed his dresser using the drawers as a ladder, put "stuff" on his walls (you know what I'm talking about!), runs around the house in his underwear only unless we are in public, tests the boundaries everyday of bashing his toys into walls, and the list could go on.

Despite all that, he's honestly the cutest thing around. He's a mama's boy and I'm proud to admit it! I kinda am attached to him as well - we've had this bond since he came home. He understand me, he gets me and he loves me.

Adoption is a path that not all folks understand. Adoption is a road that people have opinions about and adoption is a road that, unless you've walked it, you can't explain. It's beauty and sorrow mixed together that makes parenting and loving a child unique. It's a story of the Lord's grace and love and compassion.

I love my son as if I birthed him. Sometimes I have to remember that I didn't :) The love I have for him is incredible and really blows my mind most days.

Today, I just want my son to know that he is loved and cherished by me. He is loved by "P", even though he doesn't know her. I think about his birthmom every birthday, wondering what she is doing and thinking today. I can only rest in the fact that she loves him in her own way, and while I might not understand, it's not my place to judge. She's beautiful and special in a way that only she can be.

So, to my handsome, beautiful boy, mama loves you and I am SO grateful that you are my son.

Why I Climb

#WhyIClimb - it's two- fold and it's simple. To raise awareness for Postparum Depression and Anxiety. To let other mama's know that I survived PPD and they can to. And I walk to remind myself of how far I've come. 

9 years ago when my daughter was born, I had never heard of PPD. So when my daughter was 5 months old and I started feeling not right, I didn't even know that perhaps I had PPD. I suffered with this difficult disorder, not even realizing that there was something I could do about it for so many months. 10 months to be exact before I got help.

As the days of depression and anxiety and intrusive thoughts turned into months and years, I remember telling my husband over and over, "I need to find someone who has survived this. I need to find someone who has lived through this and is OK. I need to know that I will be better some day."

The honest truth - I never found anyone. And so my road of healing with the help of medication, therapy and counseling was a very lonely road - filled with so many thoughts of uncertainty, confusion, fear and doubt. I needed that woman in my life who had lived through a perinatal mood disorder to tell me that I was going to be ok. 

I am driven each day to be that person that I could never find to help and support another mama in pain. #WhyIClimb -  I want to be so outspoken about PPD that mama's know to call me, to find me on Facebook, to ask to talk to me. I want to be that voice in a new mama's mind, as she is wondering if she will make it through one more day of living in what I called "hell" or living a life where every moment is filled with dread.

That was my reality for 5 years. It was during this time that I found Postpartum Progress's blog and my world opened up. I found women like me and it was the most incredible feeling. 

If you need help, please feel free to reach out to me. If you want to know more about Climb out of the Darkness, click here: http://postpartumprogress.org/climb-out-of-the-darkness/ and to join a climb and raise awareness click here: http://postpartumprogress.org/climb-out-of.../find-a-climb/.

All it takes is one person to stand up and say, "I'm here. I can help" I do that each year as I plan and lead our walk locally. #ClimbOut is just amazing! 

The JOY of Motherhood

The JOY of Motherhood.

You are an incredible mom. Whether you are a birth mom, adopted mom, step mom, stay at home mom, working full-time mom, working part-time mom or a pregnant mom. You are amazing.

When I first was diagnosed with PPD/PPA nearly 8 years ago with my first child, my first thought was “Why can’t I be the mom that is all put together — like Sally? What is wrong with me?” And for months, that thought swirled in my head. I compared myself to every single mom I saw at church, in the grocery store, even the complete stranger walking down the street. I always assumed that they must have it all together and that I was just a good-for-nothing mom, who was so depressed and anxious that I must be a terrible mother to my daughter.

My favorite saying is “Comparison is the thief of all joy.” I vividly remember reading that quote one day and it was like a light went off in my brain. I was missing the most incredible days and years with my kids because I was comparing. I didn’t think that perhaps I was pretty cool and awesome. I didn’t give myself enough credit to realize and remember that most importantly I was the best and perfect mom for MY kids.

We add so many extra pressures to motherhood — clean house, have meals ready to go, have weekly play dates, toys always picked up, makeup and clothes on each day (absolutely no yoga pants allowed) — the list could go on and on.

All these extra pressures and the comparing of ourselves makes us lose focus on the most important blessing we have — our kids. That is what is most important. Loving them, caring for them, telling them they are incredible themselves, listening to them, and just “being” there for them.

As a mom who has suffered from Postpartum Depression with my first and Post Adoption Rage with my second, I will admit — it’s hard some days. I wish that perinatal mood disorders were not part of my past. I wish that I didn’t experience and live those years of pain and depression and feeling like a loser. For any mom experiencing those feelings, I understand. But remember — you are INCREDIBLE, AMAZING, PERFECT, and the BEST mom. Don’t compare yourself to the mom next door. Allow the JOY of your kids make you get up each day and do it again. Happy Mother’s Day to each of you — and may your Mother’s Day be filled with love and joy and happiness and the realization that you are simply the best.