Turning 5

He's waited a long time to be one hand and he's super proud of it today!

My sweet son turned a year older today. It was a sweet, relaxing day. He was all smiles, and let's document it folks - he took a NAP today!!!

Ella made a comment to me last night as we were preparing for today. She looked at me in the kitchen and quite matter of factly said,

"So mama - the waiting is over. Lucas has a younger sibling now for celebrating his birthday. You waited a long time for that didn't you?"

And she was right - and to see my three kids celebrate together tonight warmed my heart.

As is tradition for me, I document my kids birthday's on my blog - mainly for me as the years go by.

The last year my sweet boy had grown up ALOT. Probably more than my heart wanted for him to experience and feel. He came to me more than normal today for hugs and to sit in my lap. He knows deep down what today means for him. He knows that P loves him in her own way, although most days he struggles to understand.

My boy, who loves me with the deepest love possible is dear to me. I love you sweetie.

Raw and Real

Raw and real:

Many people assume that adoption is all rainbows and flowers. That once your baby is in your arms everything is perfect. I have to admit to you all - I believed all this once upon a time, naivety at it's finest.

As adoptive children grow up, so does their understanding of their story. They grow into their story - the story of the beginning of them. And as they grow into more information about themselves, the processing of such information can be easy, hard, no big deal or it can rear it's ugly head years later when you least expect it.

Trauma from adoption is real. The trauma of loss first is with a child for life.

Over the last 8 months, we as a family have experienced things that have made our kids feel loss, feel a pain that we were not prepared for. The expectation of two baby girls and then the loss of each of them has lasting impact on my kids. The suddenness of Josiah into our lives and us leaving our kids for 15 days has not come without suffering.

Yes, kids are resilient. I know that. Everyone tells me. What people don't know is that the trauma my kids have felt is now showing itself outwardly and I was not at all prepared for it.

The last 8 months have probably been the most challenging, the most difficult, the most heart wrenching for me. Yes, they have been sweet as well - I assure you. But more often than not, my mama heart is breaking for my kids. It breaks when I see pain and hurt that can't be expressed into words so it's shown in other ways.

I write this to simply say - please pray for us. If we don't come to functions right now, or church, or gatherings, or seem distant - please understand. We have two sweet kiddos right now hurting in their own ways . One is questioning everything we have told him for years. He's questioning why? He's questioning his belonging - he is questioning his life and the woman who gave birth to him.  And we have another sweet child who is watching all this from afar. She is getting pushed to the side more often than not and is observing her brother suffer -

We love our kids and sometimes Mama Bear will come out. I don't apologize for that. It's my calling to be the advocate for my kiddo's, even when people don't understand. If you see my kids "gettign away with things" and I don't correct them, please don't judge me. We are learning to connect with our kids and it looks different for us. I've had to give up ALOT that normally I would never think about, but sometimes, connecting vs. correcting is the best solutions for my kids. If my kids seem to push your kids away, or seem extra clingy to me, please understand and give us and them grace. We are walking a road that is long and some days, frankly, I don't have much more to give.

2 months

The last two months have been a whirlwind. Some days I still feel like I am drowning though.

The arrival of Josiah was one filled with so much joy, hardship, surprise, laughter, deep nights of tears and alot of other emotions I can't put into words.

Going from deep sadness and sorrow to joy over night was actually quite hard. One minute I was grieving the loss of two baby girls in failed matches, every wondering if I'd ever hold my baby, to a call saying a birthmom was pushing. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions!!!

I've learned day after day after day that God is in every step of Josiah's life. Living in a nicu for 15 days brought me a quiet that I needed, a time to reflect and prepare to bring a little guy home who needs alot of love and care. Those first few days at home were scary. I had relied on monitors and nurses to assure me all was fine. When you come home all that is gone.

Despite all the and the time away from our other kids. adjusting to three has been ok.

I think through all this, one thing I know for certain. God knew. I don't but HE knows why Josiah was the one for our family. I often shake my head, questions God why we had to go through an agency closing, finding a new agency, being matched twice and in the end, get placed with a little guy 2 hrs from our house, through a call from our old agency's case worker who is now an adoption facilitator. One can only say that God truly did have a plan :)

We wait for finalization why should happen late May!

Life after pain and uncertainty in Adoption

In the course of our 10.5 years of marriage, 7 of those years have involved our adoption journey. That's alot. This journey that we are on is not at all what I expected. When we started this journey for baby #3 even after walking a difficult adoption road with Lucas, I still, in my butterfly and rainbow mentality thought it would be a piece of cake.

Was I ever wrong.

I remember the day we got the call about Lucas and I turned to Rick and said "I can never doubt again that God does not answer prayer." That was after a 25 month wait.

I find myself still not doubting that truth. But in the same breath, Satan sneaks into my mind and makes me thing twice. 

One failed match. You think it will never happen. You think you will NEVER be that 3% of families that experience such a sudden loss.

Two failed matches - you literally think that's IMPOSSIBLE.

The potential of a third - it just can't.

But the reality of adoption is this - birth mom and birth dads have every right to change their minds. We think it's not fair, but really, it is. The sad part though is when you know that the circumstances allow for a very difficult life for that baby. That is when you question how can this be - that is when you heart goes out to that birth mom and baby and all you can do it pray.

Adoption is born out of a loss that many will never understand. Loss started the journey of an adopted child's life, but hope is what follows them forever. 

I've been told that we are brave to move forward - that we are so strong. The honest truth is we are none of those things. We simply want our baby home. Simple truth. And while our journey is riddled with so very un-normal ways, it's the way we have chosen.

I'm not brave. I question what we are doing EVERY single day. I think of my two kids EVERY single day and my hearts breaks for them as they have to walk this road of pain as well. 

This is the only truth I can rest in when I feel like I can't take another day of this:

Christ has got this and my good is His desire. Christ has got this and I don't. Jesus knows every single detail that frankly, if I actually knew all of them, I would not be able to handle it. Only Jesus can carry those details for me.

I read this today and it's literally my hearts cry: Psalms 40

I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me,

And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps.

He has put a new song in my mouth— Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the Lord. Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust, And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.

Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works Which You have done; And Your thoughts toward us Cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, They are more than can be numbered.

It's scary to move forward. It's scary to face the potential of anther failed match. But fear can't rule my thoughts because of this simple truth:

Moving forward WILL bring my baby home. Period. And so we walk in uncertainty every single day, staring at my phone, waiting for the next phone call. But all with a heart resting in Jesus. Because HE knows!