Monday, August 8, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Only one word: happy
I posted this yesterday at the PPD chat group on Facebook and wanted to put it here too so i don't forget......
Ladies, for those of you that wonder if you will ever get better or wonder if life will be ok again, I want to assure you that it will.I never thoguht it would. My daughter is 4yrs old and we just came home from our FIRST family vacation ever .......for 4 days.
Rick, Ella and I went away (30min. from our house) and had precious time together. This was the first time in 4 years that I knew that I could do this and not be overwhelmed. Part of me was sad to see my daughter having so much fun and never having been on a vacation before, but I had to take that thought and throw it away. Yes, it was hard for me, and yes there were moments where the panic tried to creep in, but I did not let it win.
To see the joy on Ella's face going swimming in a pool for the first time, making sand castles, etc.... made me realize that she was enjoying the moments and that I need to do the same. I sat back with a smile tonight when I went through the pics to post on FB and see me happy and playing with her and daddy. I realized that I am better.
Ladies, for those of you that wonder if you will ever get better or wonder if life will be ok again, I want to assure you that it will.I never thoguht it would. My daughter is 4yrs old and we just came home from our FIRST family vacation ever .......for 4 days.
Rick, Ella and I went away (30min. from our house) and had precious time together. This was the first time in 4 years that I knew that I could do this and not be overwhelmed. Part of me was sad to see my daughter having so much fun and never having been on a vacation before, but I had to take that thought and throw it away. Yes, it was hard for me, and yes there were moments where the panic tried to creep in, but I did not let it win.
To see the joy on Ella's face going swimming in a pool for the first time, making sand castles, etc.... made me realize that she was enjoying the moments and that I need to do the same. I sat back with a smile tonight when I went through the pics to post on FB and see me happy and playing with her and daddy. I realized that I am better.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Views on family size
I just read an article today regarding children, and how God views our desire for them, how birth control plays into that decision and a persons view on family size. I know it was my choice to read the article, but I was not prepared for what I read. It was so hurtful for me to read. I know there are different views out there, and I know that even in the Christian realm, there are many views. Today, I realized how narrow some of those views can be and it broke my heart. It just made me realize so very clearly today, that I can not judge another strictly on what I see on the outside.
There are no words right now but hurt and anger. When you don't know what someone else is dealing with, you can't even begin to judge them for the family planning choices they make. Having none, or one or two children does not define your view on children as a blessing. I would love a large family but I know that is not on the table for us - for alot of reasons, even without a past of PPD.
Coming from someone who has one little girl and trying to adopt a baby - today I am more than grateful for my one little girl and the life and heart that God has allowed me to mold. May I always, even today, teach her of God's love and compassion and not rules and expectations.
There are no words right now but hurt and anger. When you don't know what someone else is dealing with, you can't even begin to judge them for the family planning choices they make. Having none, or one or two children does not define your view on children as a blessing. I would love a large family but I know that is not on the table for us - for alot of reasons, even without a past of PPD.
Coming from someone who has one little girl and trying to adopt a baby - today I am more than grateful for my one little girl and the life and heart that God has allowed me to mold. May I always, even today, teach her of God's love and compassion and not rules and expectations.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Milestones
My little girl is 4 yrs old today - she was born on May 31st at 2:11pm,
all 9lbs, 10oz of her! It seems like yesterday on one hand and yet it seems like 10 years ago on the other. So much has happened since her birth - I don't remember that me who gave birth to her - I have grown alot and have lived alot in the last 4 years.
Today is also hard for me - I have already been in tears. Just reliving her birth and that day is hard cause I know that I won't be doing that again. At least the birth part. It saddens me. But I think God knew.
Today, we got an email about a possible baby. I know that the chances of us being chosen are slim since there will probably be alot of books shown, but still, there's a baby being born next week that could be ours.
I was talking with a friend today (my counselor actually) and he reminded me to not so much focus on what I will be missing with my next baby - the whole birth, pregnancy, etc.... but to focus on the incredible joy this next one will bring. What he/she will do to our family, what joys it will bring daddy, what joys he/she will bring to me as they grow up. Imagine what the relationship will be like with Ella and her sibling.
Today my baby girl is 4yrs old. Lord willing, I pray that she has a sibling baby brother or sister to celebrate with next year and years to come!
all 9lbs, 10oz of her! It seems like yesterday on one hand and yet it seems like 10 years ago on the other. So much has happened since her birth - I don't remember that me who gave birth to her - I have grown alot and have lived alot in the last 4 years.
Today is also hard for me - I have already been in tears. Just reliving her birth and that day is hard cause I know that I won't be doing that again. At least the birth part. It saddens me. But I think God knew.
Today, we got an email about a possible baby. I know that the chances of us being chosen are slim since there will probably be alot of books shown, but still, there's a baby being born next week that could be ours.
I was talking with a friend today (my counselor actually) and he reminded me to not so much focus on what I will be missing with my next baby - the whole birth, pregnancy, etc.... but to focus on the incredible joy this next one will bring. What he/she will do to our family, what joys it will bring daddy, what joys he/she will bring to me as they grow up. Imagine what the relationship will be like with Ella and her sibling.
Today my baby girl is 4yrs old. Lord willing, I pray that she has a sibling baby brother or sister to celebrate with next year and years to come!
Friday, May 6, 2011
More babies
Today is a hard day for me. Today is one of those days when I should just shut off the computer and not read any of it. Some days I just hurt when I see other moms having their second or third baby since I have had Ella. I wish with all my heart that I could be there too. That I could be on my second or third baby by birth. I wish that even with a history of PPD, I could be afforded that opportunity. If I think back though, there is no way on earth that I could have managed another pregnancy, let alone a birth even in the last 1-2 years. I know it was not possible. That does not mean though that it does not hurt or grieve me. It does - alot.
It just hurts today. Plain and simple.
Today, another baby is being born to someone I know. While I am so happy for her, honestly and truly, it hurts me deeply. It hurts me to see moms who can do it when deep down, I wish it was me.
It just hurts today. Plain and simple.
Today, another baby is being born to someone I know. While I am so happy for her, honestly and truly, it hurts me deeply. It hurts me to see moms who can do it when deep down, I wish it was me.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Thoughts on life - total ramble.
It amazes me somedays what PPD will dredge up in your life. At least for me, it did that. I guess you could say that PPD made me re-think, re-look and re-evaluate everything I thought, believed and put any trust in, things and people included. It made me take a step back and really deteremine who and what were important for me to put my energies back into.
When I had nothing in me, (to even think about what to eat for lunch because that very thought exhausted me,) by the time I began to come out of the fog, I realied that I had very little in me and that anything I did or believed was going to have to matter. The Lord brought the opportunity to finally address some things in my life that I had thrown into the furthest corners of my mind and thought and heart.
What are those things you ask that I have had to rethink and determine are valuable in my life again. The list is long and detailed but here is a general idea:
What type of mom do I want my children to remember?
Who is God to ME - not to those around me or how I was raised.
Why do I worship Him?
Who around me encourages me to be the real *me*?
Who can I be myself around and not feel judged?
It is not selfish to spend time for me - to get re-energized. It's ok for me to think that.
Have I dealt with past hurts/fears? What am I doing to heal?
What type of thoughts do I allow to rule me? are they fear/trust/truth/joy based?
Give myself grace daily to allow myself to be who I am today - not who I was yesterday or who I want to be tomorrow.
I am still dealing with alot in my life right now, but I have also come a long way. The last 3 years has made me look deep within me and heal from things, grow in other areas, do things that are out of my comfort zone because I am determined to change, to live life and to enjoy the journey.
When I had nothing in me, (to even think about what to eat for lunch because that very thought exhausted me,) by the time I began to come out of the fog, I realied that I had very little in me and that anything I did or believed was going to have to matter. The Lord brought the opportunity to finally address some things in my life that I had thrown into the furthest corners of my mind and thought and heart.
What are those things you ask that I have had to rethink and determine are valuable in my life again. The list is long and detailed but here is a general idea:
What type of mom do I want my children to remember?
Who is God to ME - not to those around me or how I was raised.
Why do I worship Him?
Who around me encourages me to be the real *me*?
Who can I be myself around and not feel judged?
It is not selfish to spend time for me - to get re-energized. It's ok for me to think that.
Have I dealt with past hurts/fears? What am I doing to heal?
What type of thoughts do I allow to rule me? are they fear/trust/truth/joy based?
Give myself grace daily to allow myself to be who I am today - not who I was yesterday or who I want to be tomorrow.
I am still dealing with alot in my life right now, but I have also come a long way. The last 3 years has made me look deep within me and heal from things, grow in other areas, do things that are out of my comfort zone because I am determined to change, to live life and to enjoy the journey.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)