Thursday, November 24, 2011
Gratefulness - is it real?
Yael Saar from PPD to Joy just dedicated her blog post today to me. I had mentioned on the PPD Chat group on facebook today that I was really struggling with waiting for a baby. That I truly thought by this Thanksgiving I would have my adopted baby. I have tried today to be grateful for what the Lord has given me - my dear sweet daugther and wonderful husband. I could not ask for more.
Yael writes that sometimes in the depths or aftermath of PPD, it is hard to find that gratefullness genuinly. Sometimes I feel like I am forcing to find something to be grateful about or pretend because I am suppose to. Yes, I know that for me, the Lord wants me to be grateful in everything - but some days, it's just plain difficult. I tend to be very hard on myself in those moments.
Thanks you Yael for you kind words and assurance.
Link to the blog post.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I'm a Warrior Mom
I'm now listed over at Postpartum Progress as a Warrior Mom!
It's proof that I was and am not alone in my battle with the affects of PPD.
Check out my photo and info!
It's proof that I was and am not alone in my battle with the affects of PPD.
Check out my photo and info!
Which category is your life in today?
I realized today that it's been almost a month since I have last written. Most days I want to write, but my thoughts are all jumbled in my head. I have ideas but the words are a mess. I realize that this blog is for me, but since other's read it, I want it to sound at least decent most days!
What's been going through my mind most lately is the words that I would use to describe the darkenss of PPD. But to contrast that, the words that then describe the healing and strength that comes of PPD.
PPD thoughts -
darkness
dread
fear
aloneness
isolation
despair
no hope
exhaustion
confusion
helplessness
Healing thoughts -
success
strength
conviction
hope
joy
courage
bravery
security
Which cateogry are you in? Most days thankfully, I am in the Healing category. Some days thought I fall into the PPD thoughts category but the saving grace is - I can see it and I know that IT WILL END - THAT IT WILL NOT LAST FOREVER.
Today being one of those days. I woke up with extreme depression and anxiety today. It usually hits me in the fall when the weather changes. Waking up today to such a gray day hit me hard - realy hard. But I saw it and knew what it was. Instead of hiding, I took Ella to my moms, and I came home and made applesauce like a mad women. I KNEW that I had to do something, even though I was exhausted. And you know what, once I was done, I actually felt good. I had lunch, took a rest and Ella came home.
What's been going through my mind most lately is the words that I would use to describe the darkenss of PPD. But to contrast that, the words that then describe the healing and strength that comes of PPD.
PPD thoughts -
darkness
dread
fear
aloneness
isolation
despair
no hope
exhaustion
confusion
helplessness
Healing thoughts -
success
strength
conviction
hope
joy
courage
bravery
security
Which cateogry are you in? Most days thankfully, I am in the Healing category. Some days thought I fall into the PPD thoughts category but the saving grace is - I can see it and I know that IT WILL END - THAT IT WILL NOT LAST FOREVER.
Today being one of those days. I woke up with extreme depression and anxiety today. It usually hits me in the fall when the weather changes. Waking up today to such a gray day hit me hard - realy hard. But I saw it and knew what it was. Instead of hiding, I took Ella to my moms, and I came home and made applesauce like a mad women. I KNEW that I had to do something, even though I was exhausted. And you know what, once I was done, I actually felt good. I had lunch, took a rest and Ella came home.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Another stress factor of adoption
Today, while talking to someone, I had a realization, based on something she said to me. We were talking about adoption and she said that she knows it can be very stressful, etc.... and then said, "And I'm sure it's hard having to explain to everyone why you aren't having more kids by birth, and ask you if there is something wrong with me, are you infertile or something like that."
Yes, it is hard. Some days I feel like I have to justify to others why we are choosing this path.
I don't mean to sound rude but if you have to ask me if there is something wrong with me, then you don't know me well enough. I know many people mean well, but in the Christian realm, many put alot of stock and value in the number of kids one has and how many they can have in the shortest amount of time.
It was a huge boost for me to day, for someone to acknowledge to me that she understood that this time for me IS AND CAN BE stressful since there is an expectation put upon me to perform in bearing kids like everyone else does.
It's not that simple and it can be painful when I know people ask my other family members behind my back why we only have one child. Yes, I know that it happens. I love my daughter with all my heart, and am just as filled as a mother as someone who has had 5 children in the last 5 years.
If you sense that I am upset today, then you are correct. But I am being honest, and since this blog is for me, I am writing how I feel.
Yes, it is hard. Some days I feel like I have to justify to others why we are choosing this path.
I don't mean to sound rude but if you have to ask me if there is something wrong with me, then you don't know me well enough. I know many people mean well, but in the Christian realm, many put alot of stock and value in the number of kids one has and how many they can have in the shortest amount of time.
It was a huge boost for me to day, for someone to acknowledge to me that she understood that this time for me IS AND CAN BE stressful since there is an expectation put upon me to perform in bearing kids like everyone else does.
It's not that simple and it can be painful when I know people ask my other family members behind my back why we only have one child. Yes, I know that it happens. I love my daughter with all my heart, and am just as filled as a mother as someone who has had 5 children in the last 5 years.
If you sense that I am upset today, then you are correct. But I am being honest, and since this blog is for me, I am writing how I feel.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Only one word: happy
I posted this yesterday at the PPD chat group on Facebook and wanted to put it here too so i don't forget......
Ladies, for those of you that wonder if you will ever get better or wonder if life will be ok again, I want to assure you that it will.I never thoguht it would. My daughter is 4yrs old and we just came home from our FIRST family vacation ever .......for 4 days.
Rick, Ella and I went away (30min. from our house) and had precious time together. This was the first time in 4 years that I knew that I could do this and not be overwhelmed. Part of me was sad to see my daughter having so much fun and never having been on a vacation before, but I had to take that thought and throw it away. Yes, it was hard for me, and yes there were moments where the panic tried to creep in, but I did not let it win.
To see the joy on Ella's face going swimming in a pool for the first time, making sand castles, etc.... made me realize that she was enjoying the moments and that I need to do the same. I sat back with a smile tonight when I went through the pics to post on FB and see me happy and playing with her and daddy. I realized that I am better.
Ladies, for those of you that wonder if you will ever get better or wonder if life will be ok again, I want to assure you that it will.I never thoguht it would. My daughter is 4yrs old and we just came home from our FIRST family vacation ever .......for 4 days.
Rick, Ella and I went away (30min. from our house) and had precious time together. This was the first time in 4 years that I knew that I could do this and not be overwhelmed. Part of me was sad to see my daughter having so much fun and never having been on a vacation before, but I had to take that thought and throw it away. Yes, it was hard for me, and yes there were moments where the panic tried to creep in, but I did not let it win.
To see the joy on Ella's face going swimming in a pool for the first time, making sand castles, etc.... made me realize that she was enjoying the moments and that I need to do the same. I sat back with a smile tonight when I went through the pics to post on FB and see me happy and playing with her and daddy. I realized that I am better.
Monday, July 11, 2011
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