Milestones

My little girl is 4 yrs old today - she was born on May 31st at 2:11pm,
all 9lbs, 10oz of her! It seems like yesterday on one hand and yet it seems like 10 years ago on the other. So much has happened since her birth - I don't remember that me who gave birth to her - I have grown alot and have lived alot in the last 4 years.

Today is also hard for me - I have already been in tears. Just reliving her birth and that day is hard cause I know that I won't be doing that again. At least the birth part. It saddens me. But I think God knew.

Today, we got an email about a possible baby. I know that the chances of us being chosen are slim since there will probably be alot of books shown, but still, there's a baby being born next week that could be ours.

I was talking with a friend today (my counselor actually) and he reminded me to not so much focus on what I will be missing with my next baby - the whole birth, pregnancy, etc.... but to focus on the incredible joy this next one will bring. What he/she will do to our family, what joys it will bring daddy, what joys he/she will bring to me as they grow up. Imagine what the relationship will be like with Ella and her sibling.

Today my baby girl is 4yrs old. Lord willing, I pray that she has a sibling baby brother or sister to celebrate with next year and years to come!

More babies

Today is a hard day for me. Today is one of those days when I should just shut off the computer and not read any of it. Some days I just hurt when I see other moms having their second or third baby since I have had Ella. I wish with all my heart that I could be there too. That I could be on my second or third baby by birth. I wish that even with a history of PPD, I could be afforded that opportunity. If I think back though, there is no way on earth that I could have managed another pregnancy, let alone a birth even in the last 1-2 years. I know it was not possible. That does not mean though that it does not hurt or grieve me. It does - alot.

It just hurts today. Plain and simple.

Today, another baby is being born to someone I know. While I am so happy for her, honestly and truly, it hurts me deeply. It hurts me to see moms who can do it when deep down, I wish it was me.

Thoughts on life - total ramble.

It amazes me somedays what PPD will dredge up in your life. At least for me, it did that. I guess you could say that PPD made me re-think, re-look and re-evaluate everything I thought, believed and put any trust in, things and people included. It made me take a step back and really deteremine who and what were important for me to put my energies back into.

When I had nothing in me, (to even think about what to eat for lunch because that very thought exhausted me,) by the time I began to come out of the fog, I realied that I had very little in me and that anything I did or believed was going to have to matter. The Lord brought the opportunity to finally address some things in my life that I had thrown into the furthest corners of my mind and thought and heart.

What are those things you ask that I have had to rethink and determine are valuable in my life again. The list is long and detailed but here is a general idea:

What type of mom do I want my children to remember?
Who is God to ME - not to those around me or how I was raised.
Why do I worship Him?
Who around me encourages me to be the real *me*?
Who can I be myself around and not feel judged?
It is not selfish to spend time for me - to get re-energized. It's ok for me to think that.
Have I dealt with past hurts/fears? What am I doing to heal?
What type of thoughts do I allow to rule me? are they fear/trust/truth/joy based?
Give myself grace daily to allow myself to be who I am today - not who I was yesterday or who I want to be tomorrow.

I am still dealing with alot in my life right now, but I have also come a long way. The last 3 years has made me look deep within me and heal from things, grow in other areas, do things that are out of my comfort zone because I am determined to change, to live life and to enjoy the journey.

Encouragement

I needed some encouragement and I went to what is becoming my favorite book "Hugs for New Moms" by Stephanie Howard. LeAnn Weiss personalizes scriptures at the beginning of each chapter and that is what I wanted today.

I took charge

Today I had to cancel an engagement I had for tomorrow - it would have been really fun. But, I have been batteling anxiety for the past couple of days and it was overwhelming me to think about all I had on my calendar this week and I needed to cut stuff out. So I cancelled tomorrow and felt like I had failed. Then my dear husband told me - no, I did not fail. I took control and did what I had to instead of going and then feeling even worse tomorrow.

I took control and today, the control was for me to cancel.

It felt good for a change.

The song "Stronger"

I heard this song last Saturday as I was listening to the Weekend Top 20 Christian songs and I just listened to the words and was touched. I actually started crying in the car. I wanted to share it - I have never heard any other songs by Mandisa but this one was good.

It's called "Stronger".

Stronger

Here are the words:

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

A letter from a friend

A dear friend (KB) sent me a card around the time Ella was born and I just found it last week and re-read it. It made my day and much of what she said really touched my heart even now, in the time of life that I am, with my past and struggle with PPD. She writes:

"I can do all things (give birth, be a wonderful wife, mommy, daughter, sister and friend) through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13

....May you go on with much courage and strength and hope and peace facing this scary and daunting situation as the dear brave women that I am. You are not alone. You are dearly loved by so many......You are an amazing wife, a wonderful friend and I know you will be a fantastic mom.

....God would not give you this child if you were not exactly what he/she needs to fulfill God's plan. All your strength, weaknesses, failures and triumphs are perfectly matched to your baby."

~Thanks to my friend for speaking those words years ago - you are greatly appreciated.