Why I Climb

#WhyIClimb - it's two- fold and it's simple. To raise awareness for Postparum Depression and Anxiety. To let other mama's know that I survived PPD and they can to. And I walk to remind myself of how far I've come. 

9 years ago when my daughter was born, I had never heard of PPD. So when my daughter was 5 months old and I started feeling not right, I didn't even know that perhaps I had PPD. I suffered with this difficult disorder, not even realizing that there was something I could do about it for so many months. 10 months to be exact before I got help.

As the days of depression and anxiety and intrusive thoughts turned into months and years, I remember telling my husband over and over, "I need to find someone who has survived this. I need to find someone who has lived through this and is OK. I need to know that I will be better some day."

The honest truth - I never found anyone. And so my road of healing with the help of medication, therapy and counseling was a very lonely road - filled with so many thoughts of uncertainty, confusion, fear and doubt. I needed that woman in my life who had lived through a perinatal mood disorder to tell me that I was going to be ok. 

I am driven each day to be that person that I could never find to help and support another mama in pain. #WhyIClimb -  I want to be so outspoken about PPD that mama's know to call me, to find me on Facebook, to ask to talk to me. I want to be that voice in a new mama's mind, as she is wondering if she will make it through one more day of living in what I called "hell" or living a life where every moment is filled with dread.

That was my reality for 5 years. It was during this time that I found Postpartum Progress's blog and my world opened up. I found women like me and it was the most incredible feeling. 

If you need help, please feel free to reach out to me. If you want to know more about Climb out of the Darkness, click here: http://postpartumprogress.org/climb-out-of-the-darkness/ and to join a climb and raise awareness click here: http://postpartumprogress.org/climb-out-of.../find-a-climb/.

All it takes is one person to stand up and say, "I'm here. I can help" I do that each year as I plan and lead our walk locally. #ClimbOut is just amazing! 

The JOY of Motherhood

The JOY of Motherhood.

You are an incredible mom. Whether you are a birth mom, adopted mom, step mom, stay at home mom, working full-time mom, working part-time mom or a pregnant mom. You are amazing.

When I first was diagnosed with PPD/PPA nearly 8 years ago with my first child, my first thought was “Why can’t I be the mom that is all put together — like Sally? What is wrong with me?” And for months, that thought swirled in my head. I compared myself to every single mom I saw at church, in the grocery store, even the complete stranger walking down the street. I always assumed that they must have it all together and that I was just a good-for-nothing mom, who was so depressed and anxious that I must be a terrible mother to my daughter.

My favorite saying is “Comparison is the thief of all joy.” I vividly remember reading that quote one day and it was like a light went off in my brain. I was missing the most incredible days and years with my kids because I was comparing. I didn’t think that perhaps I was pretty cool and awesome. I didn’t give myself enough credit to realize and remember that most importantly I was the best and perfect mom for MY kids.

We add so many extra pressures to motherhood — clean house, have meals ready to go, have weekly play dates, toys always picked up, makeup and clothes on each day (absolutely no yoga pants allowed) — the list could go on and on.

All these extra pressures and the comparing of ourselves makes us lose focus on the most important blessing we have — our kids. That is what is most important. Loving them, caring for them, telling them they are incredible themselves, listening to them, and just “being” there for them.

As a mom who has suffered from Postpartum Depression with my first and Post Adoption Rage with my second, I will admit — it’s hard some days. I wish that perinatal mood disorders were not part of my past. I wish that I didn’t experience and live those years of pain and depression and feeling like a loser. For any mom experiencing those feelings, I understand. But remember — you are INCREDIBLE, AMAZING, PERFECT, and the BEST mom. Don’t compare yourself to the mom next door. Allow the JOY of your kids make you get up each day and do it again. Happy Mother’s Day to each of you — and may your Mother’s Day be filled with love and joy and happiness and the realization that you are simply the best.

3 year old son!

It's tradition. I write a blog post on the birthday's of my children. It's for me as a way to remember who they are and who they are becoming. Today, is no exception!

My son is 3. It still feels like yesterday that I held him in my arms, at 3 days old. It seems like yesterday that he became a part of our life.

Last night, as I held my son and sang him a song and said prayers with him before bed, I realized that he holds a special place in my heart.

For me, his love and snuggles and sweetness and how he shows his expressions of love to me still makes my heart stop. 3 years ago today, I did not know he was born, let alone existed on this earth. I did not know that the Lord would bless our family with a son in a short 72 hours.

No, 3 years ago today, I was not present for his birth, I was not there. And while I wasn't there, I still loved him, even before I knew him. There is no way to explain the amount of love I felt within a mere few seconds of him being placed into my arms. I didn't matter that I was not pregnant for the last 9 months. I had prayed and waited 2 years, 1 month and 1 day for him to be my child.

I never take my love for him for granted. It's a love that surpasses all blood, all likeness, all race, all everything. It's a love that includes every part of him. And he in turns shows me a love that is unconditional. I am mama.

To his wonderful birth mom "P", today, like most days, I think of you. I pray for you. Last night as I held my son, your child too, in my arms, I cried for you. I cried as Lucas and I prayed for you. We pray that today, may your heart be touched, may you experience the Peace of the Lord and may you know that we love you, and our Heavenly Father loves you infinitely.

I love you Lucas. We love you "P".

A birthday of JOY and Strength

It's tradition that I write something on my kids' birthday. I'm 24 hours late, but the post has been mulling for 2 days so it counts right? :)

My girl is 8. How that happened I don't know. It seems like yesterday that I gave birth to the 9lb 10oz bundle of joy that she was. Yes, she was a big baby and I'm still proud to this day of that accomplishment!

Honestly, though, her birthday is always filled with sadness for me, a day filled with looking back in time, of realizing her birth started the downward cycle of PPD that took years away from me, years of memories of my daughter that I still can't remember. Yes, usually her birthday is a very hard day for me, emotionally and mentally.

Thankfully, this year, it was the first year where I was just so happy and filled with joy. As the years pass, so do the memories of PPD, but also, as the years pass, I remember how strong I am. I walked a road that many mom do, but I am stronger for it. I survived and my daughter has been instrumental in my healing. She is kind, she is sweet, she is understanding and this past year, I have seen a strength and strongness (yes, I just made that word up) in her that is rare in kids her age. She has learned to be strong in her own road of pain, and I realized on her birthday, we are very much alike. She's battle physical pain that I can't understand and she always fights. Today, she's gone 85 days without pain, without a fever. She's happy and for that I am SO grateful.

Everyone always says, she is the smitten image of her daddy, and yes, I have to agree. But, she's got my strongness in her and I'll take that!!!!

Happy Birthday Ella Kathleen - your mama is proud of you and your sweetness that you show to all.

Birthday's, Coming Home Day's and Adoption

Happy 2nd Birthday (Sunday)  Lucas and Happy 2nd Coming Home Day (Wednesday)!

How can it be 2 years? Most days, it still feels like yesterday that Lucas was placed into my arms. It still feels like we drove to Puyallup that Monday night to bring him home just yesterday.

Adoption is a beautiful and amazing gift to our family. Adoption makes my heart literally stop some days with awe and joy, and honestly, sometimes pain. My story is my story, and while some may not understand how deep adoption runs in my heart, of how protective I am of my kids, that's ok. This is my story of 2 years with Lucas and Ella as siblings!

This is what makes the journey of life so amazing to me: these two.

Simply, these two and how close they have become. From the moment Lucas came home, Ella (or as he calls her Lala) has been extremely protective of him. She is always watching for his needs, or his safety, or whatever it may be. Lucas - oh goodness - he copies everything she does, every sound she makes, every noise. He's the easy going, happy go lucky kid that ever lived. Music, spicy food, books, dinosaurs, dump truck and cars make that little man live life. They chase each other around the kitchen, they tackle each other and play fall down Lala. And they do their fair share of arguing and yelling too :)

I love this journey that we are on, and while some days I still wish that I could have birthed a child again I know that God has led us on the road we are on. My journey has its up's and down's emotionally and I've learned to accept those feelings and not feel guilty for thinking them.

While I am blessed that I did not need to wait months for my child like so many adoptive families have to in the international adoption realm, I became his mama 3 days into his life. I missed 3 days of his life, I missed his birth. My heart is saddened for that. For 3 days, he was in foster care and was called "Baby Boy". He didn't even have a name. That makes my hear ache.

But, everyday, I am amazed and blessed at how much my son loves me - if it be him calling my name in the middle of the night, of him running to me every morning and needing a hug just because,  of him putting his arms around me legs and taking my hand and dragging me to the couch to cuddle. All these things are a gift to me. I am so thankful that the Lord has given me a son who literally needs to be touch, to be kissed, to be held. He literally needs that - it;s not something we forced. it's innate him.

And adoption is a beautiful thing to see through the eyes of my daughter. She will sometimes out of no where say "Hey mama - do you remember that sunset we saw the night we drove to bring Lukie home?" I remember when she was learning about Martin Luther King at school last year and she came home and told us in shock that black people could not sit in the front of buses back then, but since she was white, she could. When I asked her how she felt about that or what she would have done if Lucas and her were on that bus, this was her answer "Well, mama - I'd go sit with Lucas in the back of course. I mean, he's my BROTHER!" Like, why would you even ask such a silly question mama was her tone. That put a smile on my face :)

Adoption is beautiful. It's a beauty that included amazing joy, sometime sadness, and sometimes confusion. It's life that has drawn my husband, me, daughter and son even closer together. But regardless, it's a path of my life that I am so grateful for, and so thankful to the Lord for allowing me to walk.

Mother's Day

Today, my mind and heart, like last year have been thinking about a lady that I don't know, yet, who I owe so much to. Her name is P.

Most days, I think about her. Some days, I even cry when I think and pray for her. I wonder if she thinks about us, I wonder if she thinks about my son, I wonder if she cries, I wonder if she smiles, I wonder if she cares, I wonder what she is thinking at that very same moment as me. I wonder if I will ever meet her. Some days, I just look at her picture and study her face, trying to understand her more.

While I may never know what she feels or thinks, I want her to know what I think and feel, especially this second Mother's Day for me with two sweet kids. P is loved by me. She is loved by my kids. She is loved by my husband. She is valued. She is beautiful to me. She demonstrated a love I can not fathom. She is a mom. 

To my son's birthmom P, on this Mother's Day, thank you. 

Love from one mama to another.

He never changes.

Most days, there is still that moment of amazement that I feel every time I look at Lucas - it might be a brief moment, but every day, I always remember what an amazing blessing he is, of that moment when he just appeared into our lives!

Most days, there is still that moment of amazement that I feel every time I look at Ella - it's that moment when I see her and am amazed at what a sweet girl she is, what a blessing she is when she still loves to give me a love pat on my back.

It's those moments I try to focus on and remember in the difficult times of my day. Those times when I am lost, when I don't even know what to think - those moments when I just want to cry because I am so overwhelmed at life.

I read a blog post recently entitles "Ours lives changed but God never did" and it has been going through my head over and over. The post was in regards to adoption but for me, I read it in regards to my life right now, the road I am walking.

The last few moths have brought on trials that are over whelming, difficult to understand, and some days, just down right hard. Things I never thought I'd sign up for.

But even though my life has changed, God is still the same - He is still the same God walking by my side, waiting for me to put my hand in His and let Him lead. He's still there loving me, and showing me how to love my sweet kids. He's still there, never changing in the difficult moments of my day - He's still there listening to me cry, comforting me when I remember to let Him in.