Ashamed

In the midst of PPD, I was good at keeping people at a distance. Except for a few close friends, I told no one about my struggle with PPD. Why? I was ashamed I had it. I felt like it was my fault. In some Christian realms, the word depression is looked at as a bad word. Christian should not be depressed. They just need to trust God more and it will go away. I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but I have to disagree. When you are dealing with a hormonal change in the body, that brings on an illness like PPD/PPA/PPOCD, no amount of trusting God will make it automatically go away. That is not to say that the Lord can't heal someone - I am just saying you can not will it away.

I thought people would not understand, and frankly, I did not have the energy mentally or physically to explain it to people if they asked. How do you explain that life is completley upside down? That everyday just never seems to end and that one day just flows into the next,without much of a break? That said, even if you had asked me, I really didn't undertstand it myself - I was so confused.

Looking back though, I wish that I had done things differently. I wish that I had been open from day one with people at church, people at MOPS, people at play dates. I know that I kept a good face, but by doing that, I struggled even longer because it was exhausting to always pretend to be good and find and healthy.

If I could do things different, I would tell myself that being open would have been healing, it would have been ok, it would have been better for me, for Ella and for Rick. Being open I think is one of the first steps to recovery. Moms should not feel guilty for what they are experiencing. They did not ask for it - it was brought upon them.

Speak up and share your heart.