Simple answer - I don't know.
Now that I am out of the darkness of PPD, I have been contemplating God's faithfulness in my life the last 3 years. What has it looked like.
This I know is true. I believe in God's sovereignty. I believe that the Lord leads my life, leads my path and that He allowed this trial to grow my faith somehow. Beyond these facts, I am now sure what else I think.
I want to say that I can without a doubt say with joy that I know God was faithful to me the last 3 years, but I honestly don't know what it looked like.
Would you describe the following as God's faithfulness: He gave me the most incredible husband to walk this dark road; He gave me an amazing pastor and his wife to walk this road with me and to walk the road with my dear hubby; I know that He allowed me to have both my mom and mother in law in my life almost daily for a time to help me- clean my house, fold my laundry, watch my Ella so I could sleep. I know that I could not have survived without all of them.
I think I can say that God was faithful in allowing me to realize that I needed help and I found that help in a wise counselor who has had me tear apart my life and rebuild it to be stronger. PPD opened up old wounds, wounds that I did not know existed, hurts that I had buried so deep, fears that I was afraid to even mention out loud.
PPD allowed me to heal in a way I am not sure what else might have worked. PPD brought me to the darkest valley and from that valley, I have had to heal.
If that is called God's faithfulness, then perhaps I have felt it. This verse has been on my mind lately and I know that it sums up what I can not say so clearly:
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