Raw and Real

Raw and real:

Many people assume that adoption is all rainbows and flowers. That once your baby is in your arms everything is perfect. I have to admit to you all - I believed all this once upon a time, naivety at it's finest.

As adoptive children grow up, so does their understanding of their story. They grow into their story - the story of the beginning of them. And as they grow into more information about themselves, the processing of such information can be easy, hard, no big deal or it can rear it's ugly head years later when you least expect it.

Trauma from adoption is real. The trauma of loss first is with a child for life.

Over the last 8 months, we as a family have experienced things that have made our kids feel loss, feel a pain that we were not prepared for. The expectation of two baby girls and then the loss of each of them has lasting impact on my kids. The suddenness of Josiah into our lives and us leaving our kids for 15 days has not come without suffering.

Yes, kids are resilient. I know that. Everyone tells me. What people don't know is that the trauma my kids have felt is now showing itself outwardly and I was not at all prepared for it.

The last 8 months have probably been the most challenging, the most difficult, the most heart wrenching for me. Yes, they have been sweet as well - I assure you. But more often than not, my mama heart is breaking for my kids. It breaks when I see pain and hurt that can't be expressed into words so it's shown in other ways.

I write this to simply say - please pray for us. If we don't come to functions right now, or church, or gatherings, or seem distant - please understand. We have two sweet kiddos right now hurting in their own ways . One is questioning everything we have told him for years. He's questioning why? He's questioning his belonging - he is questioning his life and the woman who gave birth to him.  And we have another sweet child who is watching all this from afar. She is getting pushed to the side more often than not and is observing her brother suffer -

We love our kids and sometimes Mama Bear will come out. I don't apologize for that. It's my calling to be the advocate for my kiddo's, even when people don't understand. If you see my kids "gettign away with things" and I don't correct them, please don't judge me. We are learning to connect with our kids and it looks different for us. I've had to give up ALOT that normally I would never think about, but sometimes, connecting vs. correcting is the best solutions for my kids. If my kids seem to push your kids away, or seem extra clingy to me, please understand and give us and them grace. We are walking a road that is long and some days, frankly, I don't have much more to give.