Loss and fear

The last few days, and even weeks, I have been struggling with the idea of not having another baby via birth. It is like a loss that I am now having to deal with that I never realized before. To choose not to have another biological child is hard for me to accept. Some days I think, I can do it, we know what to expect, it won't be that hard. And then, if I take a step back and really think, I remember how horrible it was for me, as well as those close to me. The fear of what may happen after the birth is terrifying to me.

I can say all this very logically, but I don't know how to handle it emotionally. and let it go. Rest in the decision we feel it right for us. Not to compare myself to other moms with PPD who choose to have another. That is what they are Ok with. Me - I want it, but fear rules out. Maybe that is an ok and good thing.

This is not to say though that I am questioning adoption - not at all. I think adoption and dealing with never having another birth by choice are two different things and I am working on each one.

I saw a video of Ella's birth and when everyone go to come into the room and see her and me for the first time. It was too hard for me to watch and that suprised me. Seeing pictures is fine, but to see me talk, move, my voice, Ella's billy goat cry, my touching her cheek, kisssing her - it was all to real and so painful for me to watch and realize I will not be doing that again.

That said, though, the thought of getting the call that our baby is born, the moment when I get to hold our new baby through adoption will be memories that I have never experienced and I am sure will be wonderful as well.

I don't see myself watching the portion of the video of the day Ella was born though for a long time - not until I am ready to feel those feelings again and know how to deal with them.