The raw truth that I deal with daily.

I don't know how a women with a past of PPD gets to the point where she wants to get pregnant again. I wish I could know what the thought process was for her and her husband to get there.

I am so terrified of living through the pain of PPD again. My sweetie and I have struggled with this decision. Maybe struggled is too hard of a word. But we have wrestled with the decision to not have any more biological kids at least now. We are thrilled that the Lord has opened another door for us through adoption and we are so excited about that. I don't want this post to come across as one is better than the other. Not my any means.

I am just being honest and sharing the simple struggle that.......

It still hurts.

It still hurts that we have chosen through prayer that pregnancy is not for us. It's a loss that I have to deal with - it's a grief that I have chosen to deal with and learn to understand and accept. It's the experience of being pregnant again, of giving birth again (which I want to do... call me crazy!), it's the feeling of a baby move in you for the first time and getting to know the baby even before birth. Now, the next 2 years I would just want to skip!

But recently I have been trying to think of what I can look forward to as a "first" with our next little one that I can make special and meaningful and treasure just for me.

* Finding out the gender before birth - most birthmoms find out and we never did with Ella.

* Getting a "call" that the mom is in labor

* Having our new son/ daugther placed in my arms for the first time

* Looking into my baby's eyes for the first time at birth

Those are the things that I get to experience again, some for the first time. This is what I want to remember, not the why's of not being pregnant again. It is easier said than done but I can work on this with the help of my dear husband and God.

My new background on my computer has a new verse for the month of January. I just read it tonight and thougth it appropriate to end with tonight..........

"For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." Isa. 43:19