Remember the little things -

Some days I feel like I am a new mom to an almost 1 year old, feeling like I am experiencing all this for the first time, some days forgetting that I have a 6 year old daughter who was once 1 year old :)  There was a time in Ella's life - roughly from when she was 8 - 18 months old that I do not remember. I have no recollection of that time. I see pictures of her at those ages and I have no memories. I can thank the PPD for that. It still makes me sad some days, since I feel like those months were stolen from me.

Perhaps that is why, that for a lot of Luca's life the past few months, I have been trying to remember certain things that he does that I don't remember doing with Ella. I am sure I did, but I was so sick, that most days, when she was a baby, I did nothing.

Today, as I was holding Lucas, he and I starting playing this little game that we have been doing for months. I refer to it as the  "do you need another love?" game.

Whenever he is sitting in my lap facing me, he will throw his face into my chest and bury his head, then 3 seconds later lift his head and laugh. I then say, "Do you need another love?" and he does it again. Over and over. Today, I changed it to "Mama needs a Lukie Love" - he'd throw his face into me and giggle and give me a hug.

It's things like that that I don't want to forget.

Dedication verses

When each of our sweet kids were dedicated to the Lord, picking a special life verse for them was something I really loved thinking about.

Ella was dedicated on August 20th , 2007 and Lucas was dedicated April 21st, 2013.

For Ella, her verse came pretty quickly. I remember Rick and I wanted a verse that were the words of Jesus with a clear instruction on how to live.

For Lucas, given his special story, we wanted something that would be a constant reminder of the Lord's love and trust in his life.

I had always envisioned the verses on their walls, and finally saw this idea on Pinterest years ago. I finally did it! I wanted them to be something that they would have on their walls throughout their growing up years, even till they move on and start their own families.

Almost 1 year

As my sweet son is soon to be 1 year old next month, my mind has been going back to so many wonderful, precious memories from the past 12 months. What a 180 from last year at this time. Summer 2012 was probably, outside of my PPD, the hardest time for me. I was as low as I could be, wondering if the Lord would ever bring me a baby - and here we are 12 months later with a beautiful boy who I am honored and blessed to call mine.

Moments this past year that I treasure still:

• That calming moment when time stood still as Lucas was placed into my arms at 8pm that wonderful Monday night.
• Waking up when he was 2 days old, and seeing Rick holding his son skin to skin in bed - both daddy and son had this most amazing stillness to them both.
• The day his eyes turned from that steely blue I loved to the deep brown that look into me deeply.
• The day when Lucas truly recognized Ella when she came home from school and Lucas turned to her and smiled and almost laughed.
• June 14 - the day that Lucas turned 9 months old. He had now heard my voice as long as a pregnancy and something in me knew that I was his mama.
• May, Mother's day - the first night Lucas fell asleep in my arms in his chair after his night bottle.
• The way that he always needs to know where I am in a room - his eyes look for me and then he's content.

Lucas has brought the most joy, the most amazing joy to my life. He has been like a healer to my soul, when it was at the deepest pit of pain and lonliness.

My dear son - may you ALWAYS know that you are the greatest love to my life. You and your sister bring a fullness to my life, together, the two of you!

It's been a long time - so much has happened.

I realized tonight that it's been over a year since I've written anything. For awhile there, I was writing every day or so. But last June, I realized I needed a break. I needed a break from writing, thinking, feeling, dwelling on post partum depression. I needed to go into hibernation from it all and stop. I know that when I started this blog, it was a place for me to heal from PPD by writing about it. Last year though, it was time for me to take a step away from it all.

Life has been a rollercoaster of emotion for me since I last wrote. Last June, my heart was breaking almost everyday, just dreaming and desiring my adopted baby. Some days I felt like time stood still. Other days, I was so low and angry that I wasn't to just hide and talk to no one.

But God knew. During all those months of pain and lonliness in my heart, my baby boy was in his birthmother's womb, growing, already known by God.

And now, I am so ready to say on this blog that God answered our prayers of over 2 years and gave us a son, gave my daughter a brother. In September of last year - yes, he's turning a year next month!

I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but honestly, I needed and wanted to revel in the amazingness of it all and needed time for me to just enjoy the time.

My Guest Post at PPD to Joy~

Today, I have the honor of writing a guest post over at PPD to Joy.

Yael Saar of PPDtoJoy.com survived postpartum depression twice, and became a mama on a mission to remove guilt, shame, and blame from parenting. Her facebook group Mama's Comfort Camp has over 150 mamas from all over the world supporting each other with self-care and self-kindness. https://www.facebook.com/mamas.comfort.camp, 

 Yael will soon be teaching her (Not)Secret (Not)Weapon online class about disarming anxiety and anger with practical bodymind methods and emotional safety nets. How cool is that? Check it out at http://www.ppdtojoy.com/not-secret-not-weapon/.

Here is a link to my post on anxiety! 

Go take a look. I hope it helps and encourages each of you.
 

A day late - May 31st. - 5 years old

So I am a day late on this post, but, it's ok! It's for me.

Yesterday my baby girl turned 5 years old. I can't believe she is "one hand" in age - the time has gone by so fast, and yet, so slow. The time has been filled with much pain, much heartache, much hard work, much healing and much joy.

I tried very hard this year to make her day special for her and to be careful of showing her how down I was. May 31st is always hard for me - it's a reminder of the desire that I still have deep down for more children and that I will never give birth to another little one. My way of getting a little one is taking a longer time than anticipated.

But I tried - it's not fair to Ella. I smiled, I loved her, I kissed her, I tickled her, I made memories with her to remember. And I was reminded:

She is the sweetest gift the Lord has given me. I love her and it is her that makes me love her each day.   I had to do a mental shift this year and just enjoy the moment. Don't use her day to wish for what I don't have now. I have her. And she is enough.

I can dream and desire another little one, but I need to remember that I have everything I need.

Last year I wrote that I honestly thought and prayed that this birthday Ella would have a sibling to celebrate with. She does not. But I will say again this year. It is my biggest prayer, my biggest desire. I hope and pray that come next year, she will have a sibling to celebrate with!

Justifing

Over at Postpartum Progress Michelle wrote a post that is so good, I don't want to forget it, hence I am linking it here to my blog.

What she writes is true and very raw - why moms with PPD feel that we have to justify to others why we are "sick".  The justifying takes so much energy.

Her last paragraph though brings you full circle. I have copied it here because I want to come back and read it over and over on days that I relapse and hate life and hate what PPD did to me, and when I feel like life it unfair that I have to deal with lingering affects of PPD daily.

"So what do I do when faced with these situations? I hold on to the image of my family as we are now. Me sitting on the couch finally managing to get a sip out of the cup of tea that has long gone cold, cat perched on my wobbly baby belly doing her little kneading thing. My normally ever-so-serious-looking husband sitting across from me in an armchair with my two precious little ladies crawling all over him, all three squealing and laughing. Every so often one of my girls glimpses over and catches my eye, as if to say, “Maman, this is what it’s about.” And it’s then that I realize I shouldn’t need to justify. Our story as a family brings us to moments like these and to justify the route we took to get here only takes away from the contentment of these moments."

Here is the full blog post: Trying to Justify.