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Tuesday, April 11, 2017

2 months

The last two months have been a whirlwind. Some days I still feel like I am drowning though.

The arrival of Josiah was one filled with so much joy, hardship, surprise, laughter, deep nights of tears and alot of other emotions I can't put into words.

Going from deep sadness and sorrow to joy over night was actually quite hard. One minute I was grieving the loss of two baby girls in failed matches, every wondering if I'd ever hold my baby, to a call saying a birthmom was pushing. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions!!!

I've learned day after day after day that God is in every step of Josiah's life. Living in a nicu for 15 days brought me a quiet that I needed, a time to reflect and prepare to bring a little guy home who needs alot of love and care. Those first few days at home were scary. I had relied on monitors and nurses to assure me all was fine. When you come home all that is gone.

Despite all the and the time away from our other kids. adjusting to three has been ok.

I think through all this, one thing I know for certain. God knew. I don't but HE knows why Josiah was the one for our family. I often shake my head, questions God why we had to go through an agency closing, finding a new agency, being matched twice and in the end, get placed with a little guy 2 hrs from our house, through a call from our old agency's case worker who is now an adoption facilitator. One can only say that God truly did have a plan :)

We wait for finalization why should happen late May!

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Life after pain and uncertainty in Adoption

In the course of our 10.5 years of marriage, 7 of those years have involved our adoption journey. That's alot. This journey that we are on is not at all what I expected. When we started this journey for baby #3 even after walking a difficult adoption road with Lucas, I still, in my butterfly and rainbow mentality thought it would be a piece of cake.

Was I ever wrong.

I remember the day we got the call about Lucas and I turned to Rick and said "I can never doubt again that God does not answer prayer." That was after a 25 month wait.

I find myself still not doubting that truth. But in the same breath, Satan sneaks into my mind and makes me thing twice. 

One failed match. You think it will never happen. You think you will NEVER be that 3% of families that experience such a sudden loss.

Two failed matches - you literally think that's IMPOSSIBLE.

The potential of a third - it just can't.

But the reality of adoption is this - birth mom and birth dads have every right to change their minds. We think it's not fair, but really, it is. The sad part though is when you know that the circumstances allow for a very difficult life for that baby. That is when you question how can this be - that is when you heart goes out to that birth mom and baby and all you can do it pray.

Adoption is born out of a loss that many will never understand. Loss started the journey of an adopted child's life, but hope is what follows them forever. 

I've been told that we are brave to move forward - that we are so strong. The honest truth is we are none of those things. We simply want our baby home. Simple truth. And while our journey is riddled with so very un-normal ways, it's the way we have chosen.

I'm not brave. I question what we are doing EVERY single day. I think of my two kids EVERY single day and my hearts breaks for them as they have to walk this road of pain as well. 

This is the only truth I can rest in when I feel like I can't take another day of this:

Christ has got this and my good is His desire. Christ has got this and I don't. Jesus knows every single detail that frankly, if I actually knew all of them, I would not be able to handle it. Only Jesus can carry those details for me.

I read this today and it's literally my hearts cry: Psalms 40

I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me,

And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps.

He has put a new song in my mouth— Praise to our God; Many will see it and fear, And will trust in the Lord. Blessed is that man who makes the Lord his trust, And does not respect the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.
Many, O Lord my God, are Your wonderful works Which You have done; And Your thoughts toward us Cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, They are more than can be numbered.

It's scary to move forward. It's scary to face the potential of anther failed match. But fear can't rule my thoughts because of this simple truth:

Moving forward WILL bring my baby home. Period. And so we walk in uncertainty every single day, staring at my phone, waiting for the next phone call. But all with a heart resting in Jesus. Because HE knows!