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Saturday, January 29, 2011

Response to my guilt and decision

Lauren Hale from over at responded to my question today during her Saturday Sundries series that she has started. I wanted to post her response so that I remember it.

Thank you Lauren. It was helpful to read that the decision will be different for each and to rest in that decision.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Loss and fear

The last few days, and even weeks, I have been struggling with the idea of not having another baby via birth. It is like a loss that I am now having to deal with that I never realized before. To choose not to have another biological child is hard for me to accept. Some days I think, I can do it, we know what to expect, it won't be that hard. And then, if I take a step back and really think, I remember how horrible it was for me, as well as those close to me. The fear of what may happen after the birth is terrifying to me.

I can say all this very logically, but I don't know how to handle it emotionally. and let it go. Rest in the decision we feel it right for us. Not to compare myself to other moms with PPD who choose to have another. That is what they are Ok with. Me - I want it, but fear rules out. Maybe that is an ok and good thing.

This is not to say though that I am questioning adoption - not at all. I think adoption and dealing with never having another birth by choice are two different things and I am working on each one.

I saw a video of Ella's birth and when everyone go to come into the room and see her and me for the first time. It was too hard for me to watch and that suprised me. Seeing pictures is fine, but to see me talk, move, my voice, Ella's billy goat cry, my touching her cheek, kisssing her - it was all to real and so painful for me to watch and realize I will not be doing that again.

That said, though, the thought of getting the call that our baby is born, the moment when I get to hold our new baby through adoption will be memories that I have never experienced and I am sure will be wonderful as well.

I don't see myself watching the portion of the video of the day Ella was born though for a long time - not until I am ready to feel those feelings again and know how to deal with them.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The raw truth that I deal with daily.

I don't know how a women with a past of PPD gets to the point where she wants to get pregnant again. I wish I could know what the thought process was for her and her husband to get there.

I am so terrified of living through the pain of PPD again. My sweetie and I have struggled with this decision. Maybe struggled is too hard of a word. But we have wrestled with the decision to not have any more biological kids at least now. We are thrilled that the Lord has opened another door for us through adoption and we are so excited about that. I don't want this post to come across as one is better than the other. Not my any means.

I am just being honest and sharing the simple struggle that.......

It still hurts.

It still hurts that we have chosen through prayer that pregnancy is not for us. It's a loss that I have to deal with - it's a grief that I have chosen to deal with and learn to understand and accept. It's the experience of being pregnant again, of giving birth again (which I want to do... call me crazy!), it's the feeling of a baby move in you for the first time and getting to know the baby even before birth. Now, the next 2 years I would just want to skip!

But recently I have been trying to think of what I can look forward to as a "first" with our next little one that I can make special and meaningful and treasure just for me.

* Finding out the gender before birth - most birthmoms find out and we never did with Ella.

* Getting a "call" that the mom is in labor

* Having our new son/ daugther placed in my arms for the first time

* Looking into my baby's eyes for the first time at birth

Those are the things that I get to experience again, some for the first time. This is what I want to remember, not the why's of not being pregnant again. It is easier said than done but I can work on this with the help of my dear husband and God.

My new background on my computer has a new verse for the month of January. I just read it tonight and thougth it appropriate to end with tonight..........

"For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." Isa. 43:19

Monday, January 3, 2011

Profile Online now.

Last night we finished our online birthparent letters and pictures. It should be on the Bethany Christian Services website within the next 24 hours. Now any birthmom in the US can read our profile. Not that we are planning on flying to get a baby because we aren't, but still, it's nice to know it's out there for moms in the Northwestern states to read.

Writing a birthparent letter is hard to do. I will just leave it at that!

I finally did it~

What's life like for me today, another year under my belt from living through PPD?

Well, at the moment, my daughter is watching Dora the Explorer while eating lunch, I actually ironed my husbands work clothes today (like the first time in MONTHS), the house is messy, I am in my lounge pants and t-shirt, the Christmas decorations are still up and really should be taken down SOON. But in the midts of all that, I am also happy, not too anxious, happy to see the sun, writing here what I am thinking and not embarassed as to who might read this and most importantly, the one thing that I am thinking about over and over today is the following:

Last night for the first time in over 3 1/2 years, I actually wrote the following without realizing it - "The road to recovery from PPD WAS long." I have never written PPD in the past tense before and I realized I did it without even realizing it in our adoption letters. You have no idea how much I have longed for the day when my thinking would start to shift from present to past.

It's a small step - but it shows me that I am better and am getting better every day.