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Thursday, September 30, 2010

The new me?

Somday my biggest fear and question is : Will I ever be "me" again? Will I ever feel like the "normal" me that I was before all this junk happened? As I have been reading diffferent PPD blogs recently, I am finding that I am not the only PPD mom out there with the say question rambling in her head. And what I have read is pretty much the same everywhere. No. I will not the me again. ever. again.

Me is now different because I have walked a road very few moms are willing to admit to others. The "me" now is scared, broken. But, because of this walk, I can be a more compassionate, loving, caring, wiser, understanding woman, with knowledge under my belt that most will never understand unless you have walked the road.

Sometimes, though, I really just want to be the "me" that I have known for 30+ years. This new "me" is all too new. I don't know how to operate properly yet.

Is it normal?

Was reading the blog: and came across the following. Sometimes I just find something I have been thinking about on another blog and they have put into words what I can not.

Is this normal?
Do other moms with PPD/PPA/PPOCD/APD have the same experiences?
Am I one of the ones who will never get better?
The answer is yes, the other moms are having the same experiences, and no, you are not a lost cause.

I can't express to you how much I understand why you are worried. I understand how you feel. I know you are scared out of your wits. I know you are concerned that this is your new reality. I understand why you have these questions, because I had them too. I deeply understand and acknowledge your feelings.

I also understand that you are desperate to talk to someone who gets it. Fact is, most people don't get it. Not your friends, or your family members or your partners. How could they? Even the ones who are really trying? Would you have gotten it before you had postpartum depression? Would any of this have made sense to you? It certainly wouldn't have to me.

It is difficult if not impossible to communicate to someone how you can feel a way that you don't want to, or aren't choosing to. To this day, I have NEVER been able to satisfactorily explain to those who love me and believe in me how I could have an intrusive thought. No one can comprehend the idea of having a thought in your brain that you didn't put there. Nor can I explain why someone with so many blessings in her life would be so completely unable to enjoy any of them. It happens, though. I'm proof. You are too.

So listen up: Don't fight against the fact that others may not understand. Don't be mad at them because they don't get it. Don't assume that no one will ever get it, that no one can help you or that no one cares. Instead, share your worries and fears and disappointment with us. Talk. Cry. Shout.