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Friday, June 15, 2012

My Guest Post at PPD to Joy~

Today, I have the honor of writing a guest post over at PPD to Joy.

Yael Saar of survived postpartum depression twice, and became a mama on a mission to remove guilt, shame, and blame from parenting. Her facebook group Mama's Comfort Camp has over 150 mamas from all over the world supporting each other with self-care and self-kindness.

 Yael will soon be teaching her (Not)Secret (Not)Weapon online class about disarming anxiety and anger with practical bodymind methods and emotional safety nets. How cool is that? Check it out at

Here is a link to my post on anxiety! 
Go take a look. I hope it helps and encourages each of you.

Friday, June 1, 2012

A day late - May 31st. - 5 years old

So I am a day late on this post, but, it's ok! It's for me.

Yesterday my baby girl turned 5 years old. I can't believe she is "one hand" in age - the time has gone by so fast, and yet, so slow. The time has been filled with much pain, much heartache, much hard work, much healing and much joy.

I tried very hard this year to make her day special for her and to be careful of showing her how down I was. May 31st is always hard for me - it's a reminder of the desire that I still have deep down for more children and that I will never give birth to another little one. My way of getting a little one is taking a longer time than anticipated.

But I tried - it's not fair to Ella. I smiled, I loved her, I kissed her, I tickled her, I made memories with her to remember. And I was reminded:

She is the sweetest gift the Lord has given me. I love her and it is her that makes me love her each day.   I had to do a mental shift this year and just enjoy the moment. Don't use her day to wish for what I don't have now. I have her. And she is enough.

I can dream and desire another little one, but I need to remember that I have everything I need.

Last year I wrote that I honestly thought and prayed that this birthday Ella would have a sibling to celebrate with. She does not. But I will say again this year. It is my biggest prayer, my biggest desire. I hope and pray that come next year, she will have a sibling to celebrate with!

Thursday, April 19, 2012


Over at Postpartum Progress Michelle wrote a post that is so good, I don't want to forget it, hence I am linking it here to my blog.

What she writes is true and very raw - why moms with PPD feel that we have to justify to others why we are "sick".  The justifying takes so much energy.

Her last paragraph though brings you full circle. I have copied it here because I want to come back and read it over and over on days that I relapse and hate life and hate what PPD did to me, and when I feel like life it unfair that I have to deal with lingering affects of PPD daily.

"So what do I do when faced with these situations? I hold on to the image of my family as we are now. Me sitting on the couch finally managing to get a sip out of the cup of tea that has long gone cold, cat perched on my wobbly baby belly doing her little kneading thing. My normally ever-so-serious-looking husband sitting across from me in an armchair with my two precious little ladies crawling all over him, all three squealing and laughing. Every so often one of my girls glimpses over and catches my eye, as if to say, “Maman, this is what it’s about.” And it’s then that I realize I shouldn’t need to justify. Our story as a family brings us to moments like these and to justify the route we took to get here only takes away from the contentment of these moments."

Here is the full blog post: Trying to Justify.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

I am valued.

I just read an excellent article over at The Power of Moms. While I have never read anything from there before, I thought her post today was spot on. This was the part I loved most:

"Can we remind each other that it is our uniqueness and love that our children long for? It is our voices. Our smiles. Our jiggly tummies. Of course we want to learn, improve, exercise, cook better, make our homes lovelier, and provide beautiful experiences for our children, but at the end of the day, our children don’t want a discouraged, stressed-out mom who is wishing she were someone else."

My biggest issue from during my battle with PPD, and even now, was comparing myself to other moms who in my mind seemed to have it all together. How to they manage? How can they keep up appearances and still have a clean home, etc....

I have had to come to realize that I will get no where with comparison. Might seem obvious to you, but for me, I thought "they" were the good wives and moms and I was a failure. I don't have a clean home, some days I am still in sweats and a t-shirt by the time Rick comes home, I have piles of paperwork that I hide when people come over :)

At the end of the day thought, what matters most? What will last?

For me, it's realizing that my daugther still loves me, still comes over and gives me random hugs during the day cause she wants to; she wants me to sit on the couch with her and watch Winnie the Pooh, she loves pj days, and in the end, she really thinks I am awesome. I mean come on, she tells me that I am her best friend :)

For me, it's realizing that my hubby still loves me, still comes home and hugs and kisses me and says I am an awesome wife, wants to me sit at night with him on the couch and talk, and tells me that I am the best thing that ever happened to him.

They need me. They need me to be content with me. Content with what I think of myself. Content with who I am.

I am grateful that my little family every day shows and tells me that I am valued the way  I am.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Party Time!

Sometimes in the middle of living life, getting from one day to another in the midst of PPD, or the affects that PPD have on your life, you forget to remember the good things, the amazing things, the things that you can't believe actually happened.

I am posting this to remind myself of what an amazing job I have done. This post is for me.

After almost 4 years to the date, I am antidepressant free! I started the weaning of my last AD in November, and cut the dose again in February, and now, for the first time since little girl was 10 months old, I am AD free!

I did it! My Doctor was so proud of me yesterday, my pastor gave me a big hug on Sunday when he found out.

I guess I didn't really think much about it - I was just so sick of taking the meds each day that I overlooked an important detail.

I did it and I am OK.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Just cause!

The Valley of Weeping does not end there.

I have been slowly reading a book by Linda Dillow called, "A Deeper Kind of Calm". There have been alot of things that I am liking, and alot of ideas that are hitting home for me. She points out that in the Psalms, David and others teach us to:

I remember
I hide
I cling
I journey
my Valley of Weeping becomes
a Place of Blessings.

I love her phrase of my Valley of Weeping becoming a Place of Blessings. My last 4 years have been a Valley of weeping for me personally. PPD is a deep pain, both physically and emotionally.For me, I know that in the midst of my valley of weeping, I was in no place to call it a blessing. Far from it. But now, I am beginning to understand what that might look like.

Today she challenged the reader to make a "remembrance list". A list of things that happened in the middle of a challenge or storm, or trial and to show and prove that the Lord was there. She write, "Walking through seasons of pain has been the schoolroom where I have gone deeper into knowing the Holy One as the Blessed Controller of all things. Intimacy with the Lord has blossomed in the prison of pain."

Here is the start of my remembrance list:

1. I've seen that through the years of pain, I still desire God. I still desire to grow in Him, in His wisdom, even though there were some days when I just wanted to stop trying.
2. I've seen that He has put people into my life who challenge me to trust in Him - they remind me to.
3. I've seen that my relationship with my dear husband is deeper than it might have been if we had not gone through this trial together. We had to quickly learn to love and lean on each other in the tough times early on.
4. I've seen my little girl grow to have a very kind, gentle heart towards others who are in pain. She is very aware of my bad days, and her kindness amazes me some days. She has seen pain, she understand pain and she desires to shower love on those who need it most.
5. There is now way that I could write about this even 1 year ago - the Lord has been patient with me.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

What I read to help me heal and grow past PPD

When I was in the midst of PPD, the one thing I wanted to do was read. I felt like reading gave me power to better understand my life and what was happening. Here are 4 books that I read through my time of PPD. Not all at the same time mind you. I could not handle that much information at one time, but I found that as I was getting better physically, so I was getting better mentally as well.

Here are my thoughts on each book. Nothing elaborate - just some basic thoughts.

1. Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields.

This book was the very first one I picked up, by recommendation of my pastor. I know her book is widely know and talked about in PPD circles. For me, I never finished the book. And that is not because it was bad or anything. No, it was the first book I picked up and read about PPD and the facts of what it looked like on someone else's life. I was in such a raw place that I had nightmares from reading certain portions because they were too real for me. I felt like she was living in my back room, watching my life from a distance and writing about me.

I remember one night reading the book, so desperately wanting to understand what was happening to me, and the tears just started coming and I could  not stop. I read something that hit me so deep, it actually hurt. This is what I read when she was writing about a particular moment in her life of PPD, "....Every quiet moment was filled with dread." She put into words what I felt, yet could not put into words. I think I freaked my hubby out right about then! But I remember I closed the book and I have never picked it back up. I can't and probably never will because there are certain things I don't want to remember from that time.

2. The Postpartum Survival Guide by Meier, Clements & Johnson

Months later, I found this book and picked it up. I have loaned it out many times as well. This book gave me a good overall picture of PPD. It was not about one person, but about PPD in general - there are some great chapters, from the basics of PPD, to finding strength in the midst, to how to help my husband live through this with me. It's premise is the facts of PPD, but with the mindset of resting in the Lord, finding God in the pain and growing. I finished this book, and at the end, I better understood what was happening to myself, and the affects that PPD can have on your husband and children.

3. The Lifter of my Head, by Sue McRoberts

I found this book at the local Christian bookstore and snatched it up. I was a couple of years into PPD by the time I found this one, and eagerly wanted to read about someone who had lived through PPD and how this ladies walk with the Lord stayed strong. Each chapter has scripture verses to meditate on and read. I enjoyed this book, because it was the first time I read of a women RECOVERING from PPD and I wanted to know how she did it. This was the book that made me really realize that there was going to come a time when I could say, "I had PPD" instead of "I have PPD." There is a huge difference in those two statements and this book was the beginning step for me to start making that change in my head and heal.

4. Living Beyond Postpartum Depression by Jerusha Clark

This book is by far my favorite of the ones I have listed. It really delves in the why's of PPD, how it affects our husband, family, and friends. It gives a very clear explanation of the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual toll that PPD has on a woman and how they are all actually intertwined. This book has great scriptural reference, but also practical advice. Her chapter on Postpartum Depression and the Mind is outstanding. Best I have ever read.

In her Introduction, she writes, "And yet, through is all, I've been rescued and healed and redeemed by the God who created me and loves me passionately. I know He is currently writing a similar story of anguish and restoration in the lives of others.......Because the valley of suffering is a challenging one to navigate, I desire to be a guide to you - whether you are struggling with postpartum depression or walking alongside someone who is."

Monday, February 13, 2012

Hi there mama's!

If you have made your way to my blog via Postpartum Progress and Kathrine's weeklong series about having another baby after PPD, then WELCOME! I am so thankful that I could be apart of the interview and share my story to you and so many other ladies.

I am happy that you are here. Look around, browse, follow me or whatever works for you! I hope and pray that what I have written the last 18 months can be an encouragement to you. Please know that I understand what you are feeling, the fears, the struggles, the uncertainties. You are not alone and you WILL and CAN get better!

Blessings and hugs to each of you!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Welcome to my blog!

Hi there mama's!

If you have made your way to my blog via Postpartum Progress and Kathrine's weeklong series about having another baby after PPD, then WELCOME! I am so thankful that I could be apart of the interview and share my story to you and so many other ladies.

I am happy that you are here. Look around, browse, say hi or whatever works for you! I hope and pray that what I have written the last 2 years can be an encouragement to you. Please know that I understand what you are feeling, the fears, the struggles, the uncertainties. You are not alone and you WILL and CAN get better!

Blessings and hugs to each of you!

Sharing my story.

I am sharing my story over the next week with other survivor mommy's who are having another baby after PPD on Kathrine's blog Postpartum Progress. Head on over and take a look. Each day we will be answering a specific question regarding PPD.


Saturday, February 4, 2012

God's faithfulness

God's faithfulness - what does it mean? How would I describe it? Do I believe it has happened for me?

Simple answer - I don't know.

Now that I am out of the darkness of PPD, I have been contemplating God's faithfulness in my life the last 3 years. What has it looked like.

This I know is true. I believe in God's sovereignty. I believe that the Lord leads my life, leads my path and that He allowed this trial to grow my faith somehow. Beyond these facts, I am now sure what else I think.

I want to say that I can without a doubt say with joy that I know God was faithful to me the last 3 years, but I honestly don't know what it looked like.

Would you describe the following as God's faithfulness: He gave me the most incredible husband to walk this dark road; He gave me an amazing pastor and his wife to walk this road with me and to walk the road with my dear hubby; I know that He allowed me to have both my mom and mother in law in my life almost daily for a time to help me- clean my house, fold my laundry, watch my Ella so I could sleep. I know that I could not have survived without all of them.

I think I can say that God was faithful in allowing me to realize that I needed help and I found that help in a wise counselor who has had me tear apart my life and rebuild it to be stronger. PPD opened up old wounds, wounds that I did not know existed, hurts that I had buried so deep, fears that I was afraid to even mention out loud.

PPD allowed me to heal in a way I am not sure what else might have worked. PPD brought me to the darkest valley and from that valley, I have had to heal.

If that is called God's faithfulness, then perhaps I have felt it. This verse has been on my mind lately and I know that it sums up what I can not say so clearly: