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Friday, January 29, 2010

PPD and your mind

There is a phrase that I think of often, that comes to my mind daily. I read it in Brooke Shields book, "Down came the rain" which I have yet to finish and probably never will. Her words in the book are too real for me, at least probably still right now. It was the first book I ever read about PPD and it opened my eyes so much. It was the first time I actually realized someone else has thought, felt, and experienced what I do. I remember the tears I shed as well that night.

It was from that book that I remember so vividly this one sentence. "Every quiet moment was filled with dread." This sentence sums up in my mind what it is like to live with and through PPD. If someone were to ask me what it was like to walk through PPD, I would probably quote this sentence to them.

Yes, I know that sentence it is very depresssing and dark, but that is want PPD is like. It is not just a dull numbness, no - it is complete darkness - the utter feeling of loosing your mind, loosing your sanity, loosing your center point on life. It is all gone and you live moment by moment, hoping that tomorrow is better or at least the same and not worse. At least that is how I felt.

Some days my posts can't always be about life getting better or what I am learning. No, today's post is what my gut felt and still feels some days. This is what I want to go away the most - the feelings I still feel. I want to feel normal in my mind the most. That is hard because not only does PPD affect your physical body, but also you mental being as well.

Not all my days are filled with dread anymore and for that I am so thankful. I am learning to fill my mind with blessings and joys and seeing the progress that is being made, thanks to those who love me tell me. Just some things are hard to let go.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Yearnings of the heart

What is it that makes a women naturally desire to love and cuddle, and raise a little sweet child? Why is it that the Lord gave us the desire to nuture so strongly? Today I held a baby again and that know that feeling deep inside you that wants another. It's not a feeling of envy or jealousy but a feeling of wanting to give your entire being for another person, to give all your love to another child, the feeling of fullfillment.

Even in the midst of anxiety, fear, sadness, or whatever I feel most days, that desire to have another bundle of joy in my life is there. Perhaps the way that that bundle may arrive someday might be different that how E joined us, but none the less, each and every child gives me that feeling deep down.

And it is hard to wait.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Guilt - what to do with it?

Guilt is a hard thing to shake. I tend to internalize everything and always feel guilty if I put anyone out, or make life hard for others - especially my husband. He has been there beside me for 3.5 years of marriage and has always put me first. I so wish that the first 3.5 years of our marriage could have been easy for us both, but he reminded me last night that he loves me regardless and that he and I are BOTH walking this road together, side by side. It is not my fault and I do not need to feel guilty. Even though I don't really understand how to get ride of guilty thoughts and feelings and it is something I need to learn, I really appreciate him telling me. I know you are reading this Babe - I love you with all my heart! Thank you for walking with me nad making this road easier to bear - especailly today.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Her blue eyes

I look at mt little girl today and realize that she is worth every moment I have had to endure the last 2 years. What cuteness and joy in my life. When she looks at me with her little blue mischievious eyes, I can't help but realize that God chose for me to be her mommy and give birth to her - and to walk this very difficult and lonely walk so that she could have life and someday hopefully become a child of God.