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Saturday, December 31, 2011

End of the year. I am better.

I made it through another year, but this one was better than the last 3 years. This year I actually feel like I made huge progress that even I can see and feel. Usually, it's other people that tell me I am doing better but I never felt it myself.

I truly feel that this year was the year that PPD finally left. If someone were to ask me, I would tell them that I finally got better this year, for many reasons.

* I started with a phyciatrist who has helped wonders monitoring my medication better and who has let me lead as to when I want to stop certain ones. She also has been a huge cheerleader for me because she sees huge steps being made since I only see her about every 3-4months.

* I started new meds that have worked great for my anxiety, but at the same time, I have been able to not become so dependant on them as I was say, 10 months ago.

* I have been working with my counselor on issues that are very hard for me, and he is not letting them go, or allowing me to push them under the rug anymore.

* I have a husband who continues to support me, but who also knows when to push me. He has pushed me lot this year.

* I have friends on the PPDChat facebook page as well as a group of PPD survivor ladies who email each other as we are all planning our next baby after PPD. Those emails and the FB posts have probably brought the biggest healing for me. I can be honest in these two groups and really lay it out there when I am struggling. They understand and know what to say, to push me to better myself and to not let the PPD rule me.

I look forward to this coming year. And I have not said that before in a few years. I look forward to this year because I know it will be better. And maybe, just maybe, a new little baby will arrive this year. The wait has been long and one of the hardest things I have had to deal with this past year. But that topic is for another blog post.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Gratefulness - is it real?

Yael Saar from PPD to Joy just dedicated her blog post today to me. I had mentioned on the PPD Chat group on facebook today that I was really struggling with waiting for a baby. That I truly thought by this Thanksgiving I would have my adopted baby. I have tried today to be grateful for what the Lord has given me - my dear sweet daugther and wonderful husband. I could not ask for more. Yael writes that sometimes in the depths or aftermath of PPD, it is hard to find that gratefullness genuinly. Sometimes I feel like I am forcing to find something to be grateful about or pretend because I am suppose to. Yes, I know that for me, the Lord wants me to be grateful in everything - but some days, it's just plain difficult. I tend to be very hard on myself in those moments. Thanks you Yael for you kind words and assurance. Link to the blog post.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I'm a Warrior Mom

I'm now listed over at Postpartum Progress as a Warrior Mom!

It's proof that I was and am not alone in my battle with the affects of PPD.

Check out my photo and info!

Which category is your life in today?

I realized today that it's been almost a month since I have last written. Most days I want to write, but my thoughts are all jumbled in my head. I have ideas but the words are a mess. I realize that this blog is for me, but since other's read it, I want it to sound at least decent most days!

What's been going through my mind most lately is the words that I would use to describe the darkenss of PPD. But to contrast that, the words that then describe the healing and strength that comes of PPD.

PPD thoughts -

no hope

Healing thoughts -


Which cateogry are you in? Most days thankfully, I am in the Healing category. Some days thought I fall into the PPD thoughts category but the saving grace is - I can see it and I know that IT WILL END - THAT IT WILL NOT LAST FOREVER.

Today being one of those days. I woke up with extreme depression and anxiety today. It usually hits me in the fall when the weather changes. Waking up today to such a gray day hit me hard - realy hard. But I saw it and knew what it was. Instead of hiding, I took Ella to my moms, and I came home and made applesauce like a mad women. I KNEW that I had to do something, even though I was exhausted. And you know what, once I was done, I actually felt good. I had lunch, took a rest and Ella came home.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Another stress factor of adoption

Today, while talking to someone, I had a realization, based on something she said to me. We were talking about adoption and she said that she knows it can be very stressful, etc.... and then said, "And I'm sure it's hard having to explain to everyone why you aren't having more kids by birth, and ask you if there is something wrong with me, are you infertile or something like that."

Yes, it is hard. Some days I feel like I have to justify to others why we are choosing this path.

I don't mean to sound rude but if you have to ask me if there is something wrong with me, then you don't know me well enough. I know many people mean well, but in the Christian realm, many put alot of stock and value in the number of kids one has and how many they can have in the shortest amount of time.

It was a huge boost for me to day, for someone to acknowledge to me that she understood that this time for me IS AND CAN BE stressful since there is an expectation put upon me to perform in bearing kids like everyone else does.

It's not that simple and it can be painful when I know people ask my other family members behind my back why we only have one child. Yes, I know that it happens. I love my daughter with all my heart, and am just as filled as a mother as someone who has had 5 children in the last 5 years.

If you sense that I am upset today, then you are correct. But I am being honest, and since this blog is for me, I am writing how I feel.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Only one word: happy

I posted this yesterday at the PPD chat group on Facebook and wanted to put it here too so i don't forget......

Ladies, for those of you that wonder if you will ever get better or wonder if life will be ok again, I want to assure you that it will.I never thoguht it would. My daughter is 4yrs old and we just came home from our FIRST family vacation ever .......for 4 days.

Rick, Ella and I went away (30min. from our house) and had precious time together. This was the first time in 4 years that I knew that I could do this and not be overwhelmed. Part of me was sad to see my daughter having so much fun and never having been on a vacation before, but I had to take that thought and throw it away. Yes, it was hard for me, and yes there were moments where the panic tried to creep in, but I did not let it win.

To see the joy on Ella's face going swimming in a pool for the first time, making sand castles, etc.... made me realize that she was enjoying the moments and that I need to do the same. I sat back with a smile tonight when I went through the pics to post on FB and see me happy and playing with her and daddy. I realized that I am better.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Friday, June 24, 2011

Views on family size

I just read an article today regarding children, and how God views our desire for them, how birth control plays into that decision and a persons view on family size. I know it was my choice to read the article, but I was not prepared for what I read. It was so hurtful for me to read. I know there are different views out there, and I know that even in the Christian realm, there are many views. Today, I realized how narrow some of those views can be and it broke my heart. It just made me realize so very clearly today, that I can not judge another strictly on what I see on the outside.

There are no words right now but hurt and anger. When you don't know what someone else is dealing with, you can't even begin to judge them for the family planning choices they make. Having none, or one or two children does not define your view on children as a blessing. I would love a large family but I know that is not on the table for us - for alot of reasons, even without a past of PPD.

Coming from someone who has one little girl and trying to adopt a baby - today I am more than grateful for my one little girl and the life and heart that God has allowed me to mold. May I always, even today, teach her of God's love and compassion and not rules and expectations.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


My little girl is 4 yrs old today - she was born on May 31st at 2:11pm,
all 9lbs, 10oz of her! It seems like yesterday on one hand and yet it seems like 10 years ago on the other. So much has happened since her birth - I don't remember that me who gave birth to her - I have grown alot and have lived alot in the last 4 years.

Today is also hard for me - I have already been in tears. Just reliving her birth and that day is hard cause I know that I won't be doing that again. At least the birth part. It saddens me. But I think God knew.

Today, we got an email about a possible baby. I know that the chances of us being chosen are slim since there will probably be alot of books shown, but still, there's a baby being born next week that could be ours.

I was talking with a friend today (my counselor actually) and he reminded me to not so much focus on what I will be missing with my next baby - the whole birth, pregnancy, etc.... but to focus on the incredible joy this next one will bring. What he/she will do to our family, what joys it will bring daddy, what joys he/she will bring to me as they grow up. Imagine what the relationship will be like with Ella and her sibling.

Today my baby girl is 4yrs old. Lord willing, I pray that she has a sibling baby brother or sister to celebrate with next year and years to come!

Friday, May 6, 2011

More babies

Today is a hard day for me. Today is one of those days when I should just shut off the computer and not read any of it. Some days I just hurt when I see other moms having their second or third baby since I have had Ella. I wish with all my heart that I could be there too. That I could be on my second or third baby by birth. I wish that even with a history of PPD, I could be afforded that opportunity. If I think back though, there is no way on earth that I could have managed another pregnancy, let alone a birth even in the last 1-2 years. I know it was not possible. That does not mean though that it does not hurt or grieve me. It does - alot.

It just hurts today. Plain and simple.

Today, another baby is being born to someone I know. While I am so happy for her, honestly and truly, it hurts me deeply. It hurts me to see moms who can do it when deep down, I wish it was me.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thoughts on life - total ramble.

It amazes me somedays what PPD will dredge up in your life. At least for me, it did that. I guess you could say that PPD made me re-think, re-look and re-evaluate everything I thought, believed and put any trust in, things and people included. It made me take a step back and really deteremine who and what were important for me to put my energies back into.

When I had nothing in me, (to even think about what to eat for lunch because that very thought exhausted me,) by the time I began to come out of the fog, I realied that I had very little in me and that anything I did or believed was going to have to matter. The Lord brought the opportunity to finally address some things in my life that I had thrown into the furthest corners of my mind and thought and heart.

What are those things you ask that I have had to rethink and determine are valuable in my life again. The list is long and detailed but here is a general idea:

What type of mom do I want my children to remember?
Who is God to ME - not to those around me or how I was raised.
Why do I worship Him?
Who around me encourages me to be the real *me*?
Who can I be myself around and not feel judged?
It is not selfish to spend time for me - to get re-energized. It's ok for me to think that.
Have I dealt with past hurts/fears? What am I doing to heal?
What type of thoughts do I allow to rule me? are they fear/trust/truth/joy based?
Give myself grace daily to allow myself to be who I am today - not who I was yesterday or who I want to be tomorrow.

I am still dealing with alot in my life right now, but I have also come a long way. The last 3 years has made me look deep within me and heal from things, grow in other areas, do things that are out of my comfort zone because I am determined to change, to live life and to enjoy the journey.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


I needed some encouragement and I went to what is becoming my favorite book "Hugs for New Moms" by Stephanie Howard. LeAnn Weiss personalizes scriptures at the beginning of each chapter and that is what I wanted today.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I took charge

Today I had to cancel an engagement I had for tomorrow - it would have been really fun. But, I have been batteling anxiety for the past couple of days and it was overwhelming me to think about all I had on my calendar this week and I needed to cut stuff out. So I cancelled tomorrow and felt like I had failed. Then my dear husband told me - no, I did not fail. I took control and did what I had to instead of going and then feeling even worse tomorrow.

I took control and today, the control was for me to cancel.

It felt good for a change.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

The song "Stronger"

I heard this song last Saturday as I was listening to the Weekend Top 20 Christian songs and I just listened to the words and was touched. I actually started crying in the car. I wanted to share it - I have never heard any other songs by Mandisa but this one was good.

It's called "Stronger".


Here are the words:

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

Friday, April 15, 2011

A letter from a friend

A dear friend (KB) sent me a card around the time Ella was born and I just found it last week and re-read it. It made my day and much of what she said really touched my heart even now, in the time of life that I am, with my past and struggle with PPD. She writes:

"I can do all things (give birth, be a wonderful wife, mommy, daughter, sister and friend) through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13

....May you go on with much courage and strength and hope and peace facing this scary and daunting situation as the dear brave women that I am. You are not alone. You are dearly loved by so many......You are an amazing wife, a wonderful friend and I know you will be a fantastic mom.

....God would not give you this child if you were not exactly what he/she needs to fulfill God's plan. All your strength, weaknesses, failures and triumphs are perfectly matched to your baby."

~Thanks to my friend for speaking those words years ago - you are greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Quote from Corrie Ten Boom

I heard this on the radio tonight and really liked it. I actually laughed when I heard it because I think the last line is just funny and yet so true!

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~Corrie Ten Boom

Nearness of GOD

A dear friend today has been praying for me to feel the nearness of God during my times of anxiety.

That gave me comfort. I sometimes think very little of God's nearness to me, even in general. My mind does not automatically go to that characteristic of Christ. I admit that, but that is also something that I am trying to change.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011


Ok, some days are just hard. Two steps forward, three steps back - or at least that is how it feels some days.

I have to constantly remind myself that I am not getting worse or relapsing to the really bad days. When a tough day comes, my first instinct is to think that I failed - that I just can't get better. I have got to let go and redefine my "better". I am just too hard on myself.

Anxiety hit me hard last week and the remnants of it linger for longer than I desire.

To ME: I am better. I am not a failer. I am getting better. I am constantly doing more each day than I did yesterday. The anxiety will not kill me. The anxiety will not last forever. I am stronger than it. Did you hear that? I am stronger than anxiety.
From ME

Friday, March 18, 2011

I need to live today.

I need to be easier on myself.

Sometimes I strive too hard to become perfect again - to become the person I use to be before I lived the darkest days I can remember. To me, that equates perfection. I know - that makes absolutely no sense. I so desire to be free from PPD/A (the Wiesel), to pretend it didn't happen. That is probably the biggest thing I think about EVERY single day. I just wish it had not happened, and that, if I could just pretend to push it into the back of my mind, that I think it would just miraculously disappear from the life, from my memory most of all. Funny right?

But that can not happen. Most days, I still deal with some form of anxiety or depression or a sensation of sadness or overwhelmedness. But to put that into perspective, 2 year ago, it was every day, every moment, every breath. Now, its just occasionally. I doesn't matter how hard I try - it is still there. I try to fight it so hard that I forget to just live. To live today, to live in the "now". I strive so hard to fix my past, that some days I forget to live today, to live my next thought, to live my next emotion, to live the attitude I have from fear to joy. To rest and just be. It's ok - I won't get worse or go back to those dark days. That will not happen if I stop and rest along the way and journey ahead of me.

I just need to let go.

I just need to stop striving so hard.

I just need to stop my mind and just rest.

I need to accept that this is me and that this will probably be me to some degree, but to say to myself that that is OK, that it means I AM better, even with it not gone gone. Because I can tell myself this and understand it now. Life is different and I can't go back and live in my past of "before children". I always think that the time before kids was a better version of me. I am too hard on myself. The version of ME today is 10 times better because I struggle and I have had to look life right in the eyes and dig deep to get better. Because for me, it made/makes me a fighter and that is what has healed me.

I have the tools now to be better each day. I might not me fixed, but I survived and because of that, I keep going. I need to be proud of myself. It's ok for me to say that. I DID IT.

How did I get here today, to the point of living again? Because of these people and the sacrifices they made to help me at a moments notice. I love them all.

My husband
my mom
my mother in law
my sister
my pastor and wife
my counselor
my doctors
all the others I can't remember but know were there

( My husband just read this post and put all I was trying to say into one sentence: "I like the notion seperating from what's behind, claiming the victory over it, and pushing on ahead." ) Why is it that men can say things so clearly with so few words?? :) Love you Rick. Thanks.

Friday, March 11, 2011


I got married and got pregnant. I was thrilled and had a wonderful game plan in my mind as to what being a mom was like, what was going to happen, what I was going to do, what I thought others expected of me.

The expectations of what I thought a mommy was to be like have been a hindrance and part of my journey with PPD. Getting over guilt has been part of the road to recovery. And recovery has been realizing that being a mom does not mean perfection. That I am not guilty for having PPD and that having PPD does not have to be the measuring stick of what my past as a mom is like, now or with the next.

Today, my house is a wreck. There are toys everywhere, dishes are piled up in the kitchen. Most days I live in a t-shirt, sweats and my hair in a pony tail. How people see me outside my house is much different than what I normally look like. Before, I would have thought that I was a bad wife and mother because of all these things. In reality, I am better than I have ever been. 2 years ago was a different story.

Sometimes I have felt inadqueate because I do things that I had told myself I would NEVER do. Never say NEVER! I would never have dishes piled up, I would have my kids watch very little tv shows, I would always have dinner ready, I would always keep up with the laundry, I would never raise my voice at my kids, I would always have a prayful mind, I would do devotions every single day to be a better wife, etc... the list can go on and on.

My expectations of what I thought a mom was to be like have greatly changed, and I still struggle almost daily about what is realistic and true. By I know that I have hope in Christ and that HE is the one who will make me who HE wants me to be.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Together we can do this!

There is a group of ladies out there who have banded together to get through another birth after PPD. You know who you are! Thanks to Amber for getting us together.

I just wanted to say "Thank you". I have been so blessed and encouraged by your emails. I feel like I am not going to be as alone as I did after E was born.

(and by stating another birth after PPD, that means another baby via adoption for me, to those who might read too much into my first sentence!).


Friday, March 4, 2011

I said "YES"

Five years ago, as the sun was setting, I said YES to Rick!

Our lovely engagement spot on the beach at Semiahmoo is now not so pretty and our log I am sure is gone. The background of the picture below is now an unfinished, empty, condo building that is in forclosure at the moment. We laugh everytime we go to Semiahmoo and see the empty building and we always comment that they ruined a beautiful proposal spot :)

Even so, I will always remember that spot and that day!

And just because the pictures of my ring on the day of the proposal are really blurry, I had to show off what my husband gave me on that day because he is just awesome! (pic taken today)

I love you Rick. Thanks for asking me.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Looking back at the path walked.

I read this on a website earlier that I read often. I could not find the original person who wrote it so I am sorry that I can't mention you....but I really liked it and was greatly encouraged by it:

"There will be a point in your lives that you will be able to look back and say I never would have chosen to walk that path, but I am glad I did."

That says it all for someone who has or is going through a difficult, trying time in life. I would say that I am no longer in the depths of PPD/A but some days I still don't understand why. I might not even be able to say that I am glad I walked this path. I still probably can't say without tears that I am grateful for what happened, that I am at peace for the path God has chosen for me. to walk. No, I know I am not there yet. That is not to say that I won't. What I do know is this:

I would not have chosen the path I have had to live the last couple of years (nor would I wish it upon anyone), but I lived through it, I am stronger because of it, and most importantly, I am learning that PPD/A does not need to define who I am today. It still affects me, but I know what to do. I know that I am a stronger, more compassionate woman, and a good mommy.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Encouragement for today.

ME and Wiesel

I have been doing alot of thinking the last few days on a number of issues so this post might ramble a bit but I think it's time I get it out.

Someone in the PPD world mentioned that I need to fight for ME to get better. That got me to think why have I been trying to get better the last 3 years? Why I have been doing counseling, medication, therapy, etc... I realized that my main reason for doing all that was to help those around me, that they would not have to walk this walk with me anymore. That life would get easier for them, who have given up so much to help me. The fight should not be for the others around me, or my husband or children. (While those are all good ideas and reasons, )I should fight for ME to get better because I am worth it.

I really starting thinking about that. It really made me do a mental shift in my head. Perhaps I have believed that I am doing it for myself, but I really don't think so. Maybe I was just ready to hear it this week, maybe not. For whatever reason, I am now wanting to get better completely for ME - that I am worth the FIGHT everyday to be myself again.

The second thing that I really have chewed on is the idea of what exactly am I trying to fight? What is it? PPD is such a huge illness - it has so many facets that it can be very overwhelming and weary trying to heal from all it's aspects. It dawned on me - that I needed to name my fight - that I needed to mentally fight an "identity" in my head and in a way, make the battle easier.

I have named my PPD "Wiesel". I am no longer fighting to get rid of PPD and all its arms that reach into every part of my being. I am fighting Wiesel - the thing that has ruined so much of my life, the thing that has taken so much away from me.

Wiesel has destroyed enough of my life, of my families life. The Wiesel is going down! It has reared it's ugly head to many times for me to count and even now, 3 years later, it still crawls back into my life when I least expect it.

Friday, February 11, 2011

My daily reminder

Last year, I ask my husband for a necklace for Christmas. I wanted something to wear as a daily reminder to keep going and a reminder that I did it - that I conquered PPD. My necklace is a circle with a dropped pearl and two words. “Hope” and “Joy”. I read it every time I look at myself in the mirror. Hope because it reminders me that every day I will be getting better and that someday I WILL be better. Joy because I am learning to find it in my life daily.


I have some OCD tendencies since PPD hit me. It is one of the aspects that I really do still struggle with more that I like to admit. It might just be that I might just have some OD without the C :)

Anyway, today, through the advice of a friend, it was suggested to me that when I start having the OD thoughts, that I need to find something to distract me instantly - to get my mind off of what I am obsessing over and think on something that I enjoy.

So, I came up with a few things: doing a craft of some sort, or sewing; reading blogs that are not related to PPD; write on my blog about things unrelated to PPD :); knit; read a magazine.

Somtimes I just need to be more practical. This was a practical idea that I can grasp and actually feel like I can accomplish!

I wrote a note on my white board in the family room today. It reads "It will be fine".

Thursday, February 10, 2011


In the midst of PPD, I was good at keeping people at a distance. Except for a few close friends, I told no one about my struggle with PPD. Why? I was ashamed I had it. I felt like it was my fault. In some Christian realms, the word depression is looked at as a bad word. Christian should not be depressed. They just need to trust God more and it will go away. I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but I have to disagree. When you are dealing with a hormonal change in the body, that brings on an illness like PPD/PPA/PPOCD, no amount of trusting God will make it automatically go away. That is not to say that the Lord can't heal someone - I am just saying you can not will it away.

I thought people would not understand, and frankly, I did not have the energy mentally or physically to explain it to people if they asked. How do you explain that life is completley upside down? That everyday just never seems to end and that one day just flows into the next,without much of a break? That said, even if you had asked me, I really didn't undertstand it myself - I was so confused.

Looking back though, I wish that I had done things differently. I wish that I had been open from day one with people at church, people at MOPS, people at play dates. I know that I kept a good face, but by doing that, I struggled even longer because it was exhausting to always pretend to be good and find and healthy.

If I could do things different, I would tell myself that being open would have been healing, it would have been ok, it would have been better for me, for Ella and for Rick. Being open I think is one of the first steps to recovery. Moms should not feel guilty for what they are experiencing. They did not ask for it - it was brought upon them.

Speak up and share your heart.

Love at first sight~

Let me tell you a little story about something that happened to me on this very day 6 years ago.

It all started around 7pm as I walked into Starbucks at Sehome, looking for this guy that I had a picture of, that I was suppose to meet for coffee. I walked in and was shocked - the place was packed - like every table was literally full. Oh, yes, that right, this is where all the college students study at night.

I scan around and then I see this guy, sitting by himself, reading a book with a cup of coffee and I know it is him. He looked up and I recognized him. Of course, he had no idea who I was since he DID NOT have a picture of me! I grab a cup of tea and go and sit down and meet him. Important detail here - this was a blind date. I had gone on previous blind dates with no success, so I was a little skeptical, but the people who set us up I really trusted.

We talked for over 2 hours, and I can only imagine what the girl thought sitting at the table next to up, our elbows almost touching since the tables were that close. She got an ear full I am sure :)

The date when well, and this nice guy walked me to my car, and said, and I quote, " I will definetly call you tomorrow." He called me the next evening and we talked and every evening after that.

Before I forget - I should say that the moment I saw this man at Starbucks, there was no question in my mind that I was going to marry him. I was totally convinced. We were married 16 months later!

Did I mention that the man's name was Rick B.?

I love you Rick! Thanks for being brave to meet on a blind date, and to have loved me since we met. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me! I love you babe.

Here we are 6 years ago!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Taking 2 steps backwards somedays.

PPD changes you forever, in many different ways. It always seems to be hiding in the back of my mind. Today, the anxiety and panic attacks that came with PPD and never really went away just remind me of the ramifications PPD in my life. I know that I am better and are better - but some days the triggers of my past come crashing down on me.

It's then that I MUST remember that I am better, that I am healed, that I can keep going, that I will not relaspe too badly.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

What makes me happy!

In the light of the last few heavy posts, I wanted to remind myself of the things that make me happy, that help me throughout the day and things I wish I did more:

1. Laugh outloud
2. Watch a comedy
3. Read a good book - Presently reading a Francine Rivers book that I can't put down.
4. Eat one of my special cookies that I freeze to last longer!
5. Find a new decoration idea for the house via a design blog - I have too many to list!
6. Get rid of junk - something about throwing things out or making a goodwill pile helps me.
7. Goat yogurt with berries and agave nectar for breakfast
8. Say No to things that I know are too much for me. It is freeing when I put myself first knowing that by doing so, I will feel better and be able to cope longer! (I say this in a non-selfship tone. If you are prone like me to never say no, then you understand.)
9. Give myself grace during the day if things aren't like I wish they were
10. A nap

Sunday, February 6, 2011

God and PPD

During my blog reading today, I came across a new website called Out of the Valley Ministires, Inc. ( I looked around it a bit and was inpresssed with the overall help and support they offer to women. I was reading a post she had written and was greatly encouraged my this verse I saw:

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rest between his shoulders. Deut. 33:12

I will be honest and say that resting in the LORD during PPD was perhaps harder than the PPD itself. I know that may seem weird and you might not understand because it seems like it should have been the other way around. But it wasn't. And I will admit that to you. In the midst of the pain, fear, confusion, depression, panic, exhaustion and such, the LORD seemed the farthest from me because I was so angry. I was mad at God for the valley I was in. I could not reconcile why the Lord was having me go through this, and even today, I still struggle with that. PPD changed me.

I never denyed God. I loved me with all my heart and wanted to trust in Him. I just did not know how. I have said often to Rick and my close friends that God and I were not close friends for awhile. I will say that now, literally in the last 3-6 months, I am actually wanting to grow close to God, to learn, to understand, to rest in Him, to want to grow deeper in wisdom and knowledge. Perhaps it's because my head is clear and I am not struggling to live day in and day out like I was in 2008-to early 2010.

My Pastor told me that we all go through ups and downs in our relationship with the LORD. I needed to hear that because I felt so guilty about where I was with the Lord. You might be reading this and think that, man if I had only gotten my act together and rested in the Lord, I would have had an easier walk with PPD or would not have had to struggle so deeply with it. Perhaps. But I would have to disagree. Part of my recovery from PPD has been to begin to develop a real relationship with the Lord for the first time in YEARS. I had to start my life over and have had to live with a new me, not the me I was before PPD hit me.

I know looking back that the Lord was there, and that I was trying as hard as I could with what I had. Some days it breaks my heart that I told no one about what I was thinking, except Rick and one friend. But that was all I could do.

Tomorrow is a new day for me.

Friday, February 4, 2011

What PPD did to my husband

In the midst of the pain and darkness, you forget about those that are walking the PPD road with you, but who are normal and see you in pain. It is hard for them as well. Expecially for men, ar at least for my man.

From the first day knowing something was terribly wrong, my Rick has been there beside me every day, all day, all night, all years. At first, he was there doing everything, that I as mommy should have been doing if I could have. He woke Ella, fed her breakfast, left for work for a couple of hours, came home, fed her lunch, put her down for a nap, left for work for a few more hours, came home, made dinner, did dishes, picked up toys, put ella to bed, came downstairs, made sure I had eaten on the couch, and then would sit and rub my feet on the couch while we watched something that would relax me and not make me anxious or stressed...i.e. Andy Griffith, or Dick Van Dyke. And then we would go to bed and he would do it again the next day and the next.

As I started to come out of the fog, I could begin to see that he was exhausted, but I could do nothing yet myself or if I tried, it would put me down again for weeks. Being served continually and not being able to help back is a position that was very hard for me to watch and feel. I wanted to be that helpmate to my man and I didn't know how. I still feel guilty about that.

Now, as I am getting better, I still see Rick sometimes living the "stay above water and survive mode" that has become our way of life for 3 years. I am getting better and by doing that, I need to help Rick get better. He had to watch me get worse before I got better. He had to see me with nothing in me and live life and make life function for our family.

That man has been my ROCK since day one. I would not have made it without his help, love, patience, compassion, sometimes hard love, sometimes his bluntness to bring me out of the darkness, and most of all, his unselfishness of putting me and Ella first. He had to honor those vows we took of sickness and in health....pretty much from the get go. And it did it by God's grace.

I know he is still hurting from what we had to live through - I know I am. What I am trying to find is a way for both of us to heal together, and to make us even stronger together.

To my man - Rick, I love you babe. I love you for your endless love to me. I love your love for E and I will always be grateful to you for helping me heal physically and now emotionally from PPD. We will make it throught this last bit babe.

Andrew Peterson, Dancing in the Mindfield.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Response to my guilt and decision

Lauren Hale from over at responded to my question today during her Saturday Sundries series that she has started. I wanted to post her response so that I remember it.

Thank you Lauren. It was helpful to read that the decision will be different for each and to rest in that decision.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Loss and fear

The last few days, and even weeks, I have been struggling with the idea of not having another baby via birth. It is like a loss that I am now having to deal with that I never realized before. To choose not to have another biological child is hard for me to accept. Some days I think, I can do it, we know what to expect, it won't be that hard. And then, if I take a step back and really think, I remember how horrible it was for me, as well as those close to me. The fear of what may happen after the birth is terrifying to me.

I can say all this very logically, but I don't know how to handle it emotionally. and let it go. Rest in the decision we feel it right for us. Not to compare myself to other moms with PPD who choose to have another. That is what they are Ok with. Me - I want it, but fear rules out. Maybe that is an ok and good thing.

This is not to say though that I am questioning adoption - not at all. I think adoption and dealing with never having another birth by choice are two different things and I am working on each one.

I saw a video of Ella's birth and when everyone go to come into the room and see her and me for the first time. It was too hard for me to watch and that suprised me. Seeing pictures is fine, but to see me talk, move, my voice, Ella's billy goat cry, my touching her cheek, kisssing her - it was all to real and so painful for me to watch and realize I will not be doing that again.

That said, though, the thought of getting the call that our baby is born, the moment when I get to hold our new baby through adoption will be memories that I have never experienced and I am sure will be wonderful as well.

I don't see myself watching the portion of the video of the day Ella was born though for a long time - not until I am ready to feel those feelings again and know how to deal with them.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The raw truth that I deal with daily.

I don't know how a women with a past of PPD gets to the point where she wants to get pregnant again. I wish I could know what the thought process was for her and her husband to get there.

I am so terrified of living through the pain of PPD again. My sweetie and I have struggled with this decision. Maybe struggled is too hard of a word. But we have wrestled with the decision to not have any more biological kids at least now. We are thrilled that the Lord has opened another door for us through adoption and we are so excited about that. I don't want this post to come across as one is better than the other. Not my any means.

I am just being honest and sharing the simple struggle that.......

It still hurts.

It still hurts that we have chosen through prayer that pregnancy is not for us. It's a loss that I have to deal with - it's a grief that I have chosen to deal with and learn to understand and accept. It's the experience of being pregnant again, of giving birth again (which I want to do... call me crazy!), it's the feeling of a baby move in you for the first time and getting to know the baby even before birth. Now, the next 2 years I would just want to skip!

But recently I have been trying to think of what I can look forward to as a "first" with our next little one that I can make special and meaningful and treasure just for me.

* Finding out the gender before birth - most birthmoms find out and we never did with Ella.

* Getting a "call" that the mom is in labor

* Having our new son/ daugther placed in my arms for the first time

* Looking into my baby's eyes for the first time at birth

Those are the things that I get to experience again, some for the first time. This is what I want to remember, not the why's of not being pregnant again. It is easier said than done but I can work on this with the help of my dear husband and God.

My new background on my computer has a new verse for the month of January. I just read it tonight and thougth it appropriate to end with tonight..........

"For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland." Isa. 43:19

Monday, January 3, 2011

Profile Online now.

Last night we finished our online birthparent letters and pictures. It should be on the Bethany Christian Services website within the next 24 hours. Now any birthmom in the US can read our profile. Not that we are planning on flying to get a baby because we aren't, but still, it's nice to know it's out there for moms in the Northwestern states to read.

Writing a birthparent letter is hard to do. I will just leave it at that!

I finally did it~

What's life like for me today, another year under my belt from living through PPD?

Well, at the moment, my daughter is watching Dora the Explorer while eating lunch, I actually ironed my husbands work clothes today (like the first time in MONTHS), the house is messy, I am in my lounge pants and t-shirt, the Christmas decorations are still up and really should be taken down SOON. But in the midts of all that, I am also happy, not too anxious, happy to see the sun, writing here what I am thinking and not embarassed as to who might read this and most importantly, the one thing that I am thinking about over and over today is the following:

Last night for the first time in over 3 1/2 years, I actually wrote the following without realizing it - "The road to recovery from PPD WAS long." I have never written PPD in the past tense before and I realized I did it without even realizing it in our adoption letters. You have no idea how much I have longed for the day when my thinking would start to shift from present to past.

It's a small step - but it shows me that I am better and am getting better every day.