He never changes.

Most days, there is still that moment of amazement that I feel every time I look at Lucas - it might be a brief moment, but every day, I always remember what an amazing blessing he is, of that moment when he just appeared into our lives!

Most days, there is still that moment of amazement that I feel every time I look at Ella - it's that moment when I see her and am amazed at what a sweet girl she is, what a blessing she is when she still loves to give me a love pat on my back.

It's those moments I try to focus on and remember in the difficult times of my day. Those times when I am lost, when I don't even know what to think - those moments when I just want to cry because I am so overwhelmed at life.

I read a blog post recently entitles "Ours lives changed but God never did" and it has been going through my head over and over. The post was in regards to adoption but for me, I read it in regards to my life right now, the road I am walking.

The last few moths have brought on trials that are over whelming, difficult to understand, and some days, just down right hard. Things I never thought I'd sign up for.

But even though my life has changed, God is still the same - He is still the same God walking by my side, waiting for me to put my hand in His and let Him lead. He's still there loving me, and showing me how to love my sweet kids. He's still there, never changing in the difficult moments of my day - He's still there listening to me cry, comforting me when I remember to let Him in.

To my sweet son's other mother.

Words of gratitude to my son's birth mother:

I can't express fully how I feel for you. You do not know me, but I know you. I see you in my son's eyes, I see you in my son's smile, and I see you in my son's love.

365 days ago, you gave birth to a beautiful boy, whom I am so blessed to call my son. While I may not have known you then, I prayed for you that day. Yes, I prayed for my future son or daughter's birth mom for almost 25 months. So, last year, as you labored, I was praying for you, praying for the safety of my son's birth, not knowing if either of you existed. We just prayed in faith.

It is because of you that I have been honored to love and hold my son the last 12 months. He has grown leaps and bounds, from learning to sit, to getting 6 teeth, to learning to stand on his own, to learning his sister's name, to giving me loves that I treasure every moment.

This little man that we both love in our own ways is blessed beyond measure. I am blessed beyond measure for the decision you made 365 days ago. While I will never understand what you felt, I want you to know - you are an incredible woman. I love you for the gift of my sweet son, my second child, the little brother to his big sister.

Tonight, after all the festivities are over and it's bedtime for Lucas, we will again, like we always do show him your picture. We will tell him of your love for him and he will again, take his hand and stroke your face in the picture, trying to say your name.

Thank you. You are deeply loved in our home and will always be in my heart, every day that I breathe.

From one mother to another ~Amy

  

Remember the little things -

Some days I feel like I am a new mom to an almost 1 year old, feeling like I am experiencing all this for the first time, some days forgetting that I have a 6 year old daughter who was once 1 year old :)  There was a time in Ella's life - roughly from when she was 8 - 18 months old that I do not remember. I have no recollection of that time. I see pictures of her at those ages and I have no memories. I can thank the PPD for that. It still makes me sad some days, since I feel like those months were stolen from me.

Perhaps that is why, that for a lot of Luca's life the past few months, I have been trying to remember certain things that he does that I don't remember doing with Ella. I am sure I did, but I was so sick, that most days, when she was a baby, I did nothing.

Today, as I was holding Lucas, he and I starting playing this little game that we have been doing for months. I refer to it as the  "do you need another love?" game.

Whenever he is sitting in my lap facing me, he will throw his face into my chest and bury his head, then 3 seconds later lift his head and laugh. I then say, "Do you need another love?" and he does it again. Over and over. Today, I changed it to "Mama needs a Lukie Love" - he'd throw his face into me and giggle and give me a hug.

It's things like that that I don't want to forget.

Dedication verses

When each of our sweet kids were dedicated to the Lord, picking a special life verse for them was something I really loved thinking about.

Ella was dedicated on August 20th , 2007 and Lucas was dedicated April 21st, 2013.

For Ella, her verse came pretty quickly. I remember Rick and I wanted a verse that were the words of Jesus with a clear instruction on how to live.

For Lucas, given his special story, we wanted something that would be a constant reminder of the Lord's love and trust in his life.

I had always envisioned the verses on their walls, and finally saw this idea on Pinterest years ago. I finally did it! I wanted them to be something that they would have on their walls throughout their growing up years, even till they move on and start their own families.

Almost 1 year

As my sweet son is soon to be 1 year old next month, my mind has been going back to so many wonderful, precious memories from the past 12 months. What a 180 from last year at this time. Summer 2012 was probably, outside of my PPD, the hardest time for me. I was as low as I could be, wondering if the Lord would ever bring me a baby - and here we are 12 months later with a beautiful boy who I am honored and blessed to call mine.

Moments this past year that I treasure still:

• That calming moment when time stood still as Lucas was placed into my arms at 8pm that wonderful Monday night.
• Waking up when he was 2 days old, and seeing Rick holding his son skin to skin in bed - both daddy and son had this most amazing stillness to them both.
• The day his eyes turned from that steely blue I loved to the deep brown that look into me deeply.
• The day when Lucas truly recognized Ella when she came home from school and Lucas turned to her and smiled and almost laughed.
• June 14 - the day that Lucas turned 9 months old. He had now heard my voice as long as a pregnancy and something in me knew that I was his mama.
• May, Mother's day - the first night Lucas fell asleep in my arms in his chair after his night bottle.
• The way that he always needs to know where I am in a room - his eyes look for me and then he's content.

Lucas has brought the most joy, the most amazing joy to my life. He has been like a healer to my soul, when it was at the deepest pit of pain and lonliness.

My dear son - may you ALWAYS know that you are the greatest love to my life. You and your sister bring a fullness to my life, together, the two of you!

It's been a long time - so much has happened.

I realized tonight that it's been over a year since I've written anything. For awhile there, I was writing every day or so. But last June, I realized I needed a break. I needed a break from writing, thinking, feeling, dwelling on post partum depression. I needed to go into hibernation from it all and stop. I know that when I started this blog, it was a place for me to heal from PPD by writing about it. Last year though, it was time for me to take a step away from it all.

Life has been a rollercoaster of emotion for me since I last wrote. Last June, my heart was breaking almost everyday, just dreaming and desiring my adopted baby. Some days I felt like time stood still. Other days, I was so low and angry that I wasn't to just hide and talk to no one.

But God knew. During all those months of pain and lonliness in my heart, my baby boy was in his birthmother's womb, growing, already known by God.

And now, I am so ready to say on this blog that God answered our prayers of over 2 years and gave us a son, gave my daughter a brother. In September of last year - yes, he's turning a year next month!

I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but honestly, I needed and wanted to revel in the amazingness of it all and needed time for me to just enjoy the time.