Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I have to constantly remind myself that I am not getting worse or relapsing to the really bad days. When a tough day comes, my first instinct is to think that I failed - that I just can't get better. I have got to let go and redefine my "better". I am just too hard on myself.
Anxiety hit me hard last week and the remnants of it linger for longer than I desire.
To ME: I am better. I am not a failer. I am getting better. I am constantly doing more each day than I did yesterday. The anxiety will not kill me. The anxiety will not last forever. I am stronger than it. Did you hear that? I am stronger than anxiety.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Sometimes I strive too hard to become perfect again - to become the person I use to be before I lived the darkest days I can remember. To me, that equates perfection. I know - that makes absolutely no sense. I so desire to be free from PPD/A (the Wiesel), to pretend it didn't happen. That is probably the biggest thing I think about EVERY single day. I just wish it had not happened, and that, if I could just pretend to push it into the back of my mind, that I think it would just miraculously disappear from the life, from my memory most of all. Funny right?
But that can not happen. Most days, I still deal with some form of anxiety or depression or a sensation of sadness or overwhelmedness. But to put that into perspective, 2 year ago, it was every day, every moment, every breath. Now, its just occasionally. I doesn't matter how hard I try - it is still there. I try to fight it so hard that I forget to just live. To live today, to live in the "now". I strive so hard to fix my past, that some days I forget to live today, to live my next thought, to live my next emotion, to live the attitude I have from fear to joy. To rest and just be. It's ok - I won't get worse or go back to those dark days. That will not happen if I stop and rest along the way and journey ahead of me.
I just need to let go.
I just need to stop striving so hard.
I just need to stop my mind and just rest.
I need to accept that this is me and that this will probably be me to some degree, but to say to myself that that is OK, that it means I AM better, even with it not gone gone. Because I can tell myself this and understand it now. Life is different and I can't go back and live in my past of "before children". I always think that the time before kids was a better version of me. I am too hard on myself. The version of ME today is 10 times better because I struggle and I have had to look life right in the eyes and dig deep to get better. Because for me, it made/makes me a fighter and that is what has healed me.
I have the tools now to be better each day. I might not me fixed, but I survived and because of that, I keep going. I need to be proud of myself. It's ok for me to say that. I DID IT.
How did I get here today, to the point of living again? Because of these people and the sacrifices they made to help me at a moments notice. I love them all.
( My husband just read this post and put all I was trying to say into one sentence: "I like the notion seperating from what's behind, claiming the victory over it, and pushing on ahead." ) Why is it that men can say things so clearly with so few words?? :) Love you Rick. Thanks.
Friday, March 11, 2011
The expectations of what I thought a mommy was to be like have been a hindrance and part of my journey with PPD. Getting over guilt has been part of the road to recovery. And recovery has been realizing that being a mom does not mean perfection. That I am not guilty for having PPD and that having PPD does not have to be the measuring stick of what my past as a mom is like, now or with the next.
Today, my house is a wreck. There are toys everywhere, dishes are piled up in the kitchen. Most days I live in a t-shirt, sweats and my hair in a pony tail. How people see me outside my house is much different than what I normally look like. Before, I would have thought that I was a bad wife and mother because of all these things. In reality, I am better than I have ever been. 2 years ago was a different story.
Sometimes I have felt inadqueate because I do things that I had told myself I would NEVER do. Never say NEVER! I would never have dishes piled up, I would have my kids watch very little tv shows, I would always have dinner ready, I would always keep up with the laundry, I would never raise my voice at my kids, I would always have a prayful mind, I would do devotions every single day to be a better wife, etc... the list can go on and on.
My expectations of what I thought a mom was to be like have greatly changed, and I still struggle almost daily about what is realistic and true. By I know that I have hope in Christ and that HE is the one who will make me who HE wants me to be.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I just wanted to say "Thank you". I have been so blessed and encouraged by your emails. I feel like I am not going to be as alone as I did after E was born.
(and by stating another birth after PPD, that means another baby via adoption for me, to those who might read too much into my first sentence!).
Friday, March 4, 2011
And just because the pictures of my ring on the day of the proposal are really blurry, I had to show off what my husband gave me on that day because he is just awesome! (pic taken today)
I love you Rick. Thanks for asking me.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
"There will be a point in your lives that you will be able to look back and say I never would have chosen to walk that path, but I am glad I did."
That says it all for someone who has or is going through a difficult, trying time in life. I would say that I am no longer in the depths of PPD/A but some days I still don't understand why. I might not even be able to say that I am glad I walked this path. I still probably can't say without tears that I am grateful for what happened, that I am at peace for the path God has chosen for me. to walk. No, I know I am not there yet. That is not to say that I won't. What I do know is this:
I would not have chosen the path I have had to live the last couple of years (nor would I wish it upon anyone), but I lived through it, I am stronger because of it, and most importantly, I am learning that PPD/A does not need to define who I am today. It still affects me, but I know what to do. I know that I am a stronger, more compassionate woman, and a good mommy.