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Tuesday, May 31, 2011


My little girl is 4 yrs old today - she was born on May 31st at 2:11pm,
all 9lbs, 10oz of her! It seems like yesterday on one hand and yet it seems like 10 years ago on the other. So much has happened since her birth - I don't remember that me who gave birth to her - I have grown alot and have lived alot in the last 4 years.

Today is also hard for me - I have already been in tears. Just reliving her birth and that day is hard cause I know that I won't be doing that again. At least the birth part. It saddens me. But I think God knew.

Today, we got an email about a possible baby. I know that the chances of us being chosen are slim since there will probably be alot of books shown, but still, there's a baby being born next week that could be ours.

I was talking with a friend today (my counselor actually) and he reminded me to not so much focus on what I will be missing with my next baby - the whole birth, pregnancy, etc.... but to focus on the incredible joy this next one will bring. What he/she will do to our family, what joys it will bring daddy, what joys he/she will bring to me as they grow up. Imagine what the relationship will be like with Ella and her sibling.

Today my baby girl is 4yrs old. Lord willing, I pray that she has a sibling baby brother or sister to celebrate with next year and years to come!

Friday, May 6, 2011

More babies

Today is a hard day for me. Today is one of those days when I should just shut off the computer and not read any of it. Some days I just hurt when I see other moms having their second or third baby since I have had Ella. I wish with all my heart that I could be there too. That I could be on my second or third baby by birth. I wish that even with a history of PPD, I could be afforded that opportunity. If I think back though, there is no way on earth that I could have managed another pregnancy, let alone a birth even in the last 1-2 years. I know it was not possible. That does not mean though that it does not hurt or grieve me. It does - alot.

It just hurts today. Plain and simple.

Today, another baby is being born to someone I know. While I am so happy for her, honestly and truly, it hurts me deeply. It hurts me to see moms who can do it when deep down, I wish it was me.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Thoughts on life - total ramble.

It amazes me somedays what PPD will dredge up in your life. At least for me, it did that. I guess you could say that PPD made me re-think, re-look and re-evaluate everything I thought, believed and put any trust in, things and people included. It made me take a step back and really deteremine who and what were important for me to put my energies back into.

When I had nothing in me, (to even think about what to eat for lunch because that very thought exhausted me,) by the time I began to come out of the fog, I realied that I had very little in me and that anything I did or believed was going to have to matter. The Lord brought the opportunity to finally address some things in my life that I had thrown into the furthest corners of my mind and thought and heart.

What are those things you ask that I have had to rethink and determine are valuable in my life again. The list is long and detailed but here is a general idea:

What type of mom do I want my children to remember?
Who is God to ME - not to those around me or how I was raised.
Why do I worship Him?
Who around me encourages me to be the real *me*?
Who can I be myself around and not feel judged?
It is not selfish to spend time for me - to get re-energized. It's ok for me to think that.
Have I dealt with past hurts/fears? What am I doing to heal?
What type of thoughts do I allow to rule me? are they fear/trust/truth/joy based?
Give myself grace daily to allow myself to be who I am today - not who I was yesterday or who I want to be tomorrow.

I am still dealing with alot in my life right now, but I have also come a long way. The last 3 years has made me look deep within me and heal from things, grow in other areas, do things that are out of my comfort zone because I am determined to change, to live life and to enjoy the journey.