There is a phrase that I think of often, that comes to my mind daily. I read it in Brooke Shields book, "Down came the rain" which I have yet to finish and probably never will. Her words in the book are too real for me, at least probably still right now. It was the first book I ever read about PPD and it opened my eyes so much. It was the first time I actually realized someone else has thought, felt, and experienced what I do. I remember the tears I shed as well that night.
It was from that book that I remember so vividly this one sentence. "Every quiet moment was filled with dread." This sentence sums up in my mind what it is like to live with and through PPD. If someone were to ask me what it was like to walk through PPD, I would probably quote this sentence to them.
Yes, I know that sentence it is very depresssing and dark, but that is want PPD is like. It is not just a dull numbness, no - it is complete darkness - the utter feeling of loosing your mind, loosing your sanity, loosing your center point on life. It is all gone and you live moment by moment, hoping that tomorrow is better or at least the same and not worse. At least that is how I felt.
Some days my posts can't always be about life getting better or what I am learning. No, today's post is what my gut felt and still feels some days. This is what I want to go away the most - the feelings I still feel. I want to feel normal in my mind the most. That is hard because not only does PPD affect your physical body, but also you mental being as well.
Not all my days are filled with dread anymore and for that I am so thankful. I am learning to fill my mind with blessings and joys and seeing the progress that is being made, thanks to those who love me tell me. Just some things are hard to let go.