Today, while talking to someone, I had a realization, based on something she said to me. We were talking about adoption and she said that she knows it can be very stressful, etc.... and then said, "And I'm sure it's hard having to explain to everyone why you aren't having more kids by birth, and ask you if there is something wrong with me, are you infertile or something like that."
Yes, it is hard. Some days I feel like I have to justify to others why we are choosing this path.
I don't mean to sound rude but if you have to ask me if there is something wrong with me, then you don't know me well enough. I know many people mean well, but in the Christian realm, many put alot of stock and value in the number of kids one has and how many they can have in the shortest amount of time.
It was a huge boost for me to day, for someone to acknowledge to me that she understood that this time for me IS AND CAN BE stressful since there is an expectation put upon me to perform in bearing kids like everyone else does.
It's not that simple and it can be painful when I know people ask my other family members behind my back why we only have one child. Yes, I know that it happens. I love my daughter with all my heart, and am just as filled as a mother as someone who has had 5 children in the last 5 years.
If you sense that I am upset today, then you are correct. But I am being honest, and since this blog is for me, I am writing how I feel.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Only one word: happy
I posted this yesterday at the PPD chat group on Facebook and wanted to put it here too so i don't forget......
Ladies, for those of you that wonder if you will ever get better or wonder if life will be ok again, I want to assure you that it will.I never thoguht it would. My daughter is 4yrs old and we just came home from our FIRST family vacation ever .......for 4 days.
Rick, Ella and I went away (30min. from our house) and had precious time together. This was the first time in 4 years that I knew that I could do this and not be overwhelmed. Part of me was sad to see my daughter having so much fun and never having been on a vacation before, but I had to take that thought and throw it away. Yes, it was hard for me, and yes there were moments where the panic tried to creep in, but I did not let it win.
To see the joy on Ella's face going swimming in a pool for the first time, making sand castles, etc.... made me realize that she was enjoying the moments and that I need to do the same. I sat back with a smile tonight when I went through the pics to post on FB and see me happy and playing with her and daddy. I realized that I am better.
Ladies, for those of you that wonder if you will ever get better or wonder if life will be ok again, I want to assure you that it will.I never thoguht it would. My daughter is 4yrs old and we just came home from our FIRST family vacation ever .......for 4 days.
Rick, Ella and I went away (30min. from our house) and had precious time together. This was the first time in 4 years that I knew that I could do this and not be overwhelmed. Part of me was sad to see my daughter having so much fun and never having been on a vacation before, but I had to take that thought and throw it away. Yes, it was hard for me, and yes there were moments where the panic tried to creep in, but I did not let it win.
To see the joy on Ella's face going swimming in a pool for the first time, making sand castles, etc.... made me realize that she was enjoying the moments and that I need to do the same. I sat back with a smile tonight when I went through the pics to post on FB and see me happy and playing with her and daddy. I realized that I am better.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Views on family size
I just read an article today regarding children, and how God views our desire for them, how birth control plays into that decision and a persons view on family size. I know it was my choice to read the article, but I was not prepared for what I read. It was so hurtful for me to read. I know there are different views out there, and I know that even in the Christian realm, there are many views. Today, I realized how narrow some of those views can be and it broke my heart. It just made me realize so very clearly today, that I can not judge another strictly on what I see on the outside.
There are no words right now but hurt and anger. When you don't know what someone else is dealing with, you can't even begin to judge them for the family planning choices they make. Having none, or one or two children does not define your view on children as a blessing. I would love a large family but I know that is not on the table for us - for alot of reasons, even without a past of PPD.
Coming from someone who has one little girl and trying to adopt a baby - today I am more than grateful for my one little girl and the life and heart that God has allowed me to mold. May I always, even today, teach her of God's love and compassion and not rules and expectations.
There are no words right now but hurt and anger. When you don't know what someone else is dealing with, you can't even begin to judge them for the family planning choices they make. Having none, or one or two children does not define your view on children as a blessing. I would love a large family but I know that is not on the table for us - for alot of reasons, even without a past of PPD.
Coming from someone who has one little girl and trying to adopt a baby - today I am more than grateful for my one little girl and the life and heart that God has allowed me to mold. May I always, even today, teach her of God's love and compassion and not rules and expectations.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Milestones
My little girl is 4 yrs old today - she was born on May 31st at 2:11pm,
all 9lbs, 10oz of her! It seems like yesterday on one hand and yet it seems like 10 years ago on the other. So much has happened since her birth - I don't remember that me who gave birth to her - I have grown alot and have lived alot in the last 4 years.
Today is also hard for me - I have already been in tears. Just reliving her birth and that day is hard cause I know that I won't be doing that again. At least the birth part. It saddens me. But I think God knew.
Today, we got an email about a possible baby. I know that the chances of us being chosen are slim since there will probably be alot of books shown, but still, there's a baby being born next week that could be ours.
I was talking with a friend today (my counselor actually) and he reminded me to not so much focus on what I will be missing with my next baby - the whole birth, pregnancy, etc.... but to focus on the incredible joy this next one will bring. What he/she will do to our family, what joys it will bring daddy, what joys he/she will bring to me as they grow up. Imagine what the relationship will be like with Ella and her sibling.
Today my baby girl is 4yrs old. Lord willing, I pray that she has a sibling baby brother or sister to celebrate with next year and years to come!
all 9lbs, 10oz of her! It seems like yesterday on one hand and yet it seems like 10 years ago on the other. So much has happened since her birth - I don't remember that me who gave birth to her - I have grown alot and have lived alot in the last 4 years.
Today is also hard for me - I have already been in tears. Just reliving her birth and that day is hard cause I know that I won't be doing that again. At least the birth part. It saddens me. But I think God knew.
Today, we got an email about a possible baby. I know that the chances of us being chosen are slim since there will probably be alot of books shown, but still, there's a baby being born next week that could be ours.
I was talking with a friend today (my counselor actually) and he reminded me to not so much focus on what I will be missing with my next baby - the whole birth, pregnancy, etc.... but to focus on the incredible joy this next one will bring. What he/she will do to our family, what joys it will bring daddy, what joys he/she will bring to me as they grow up. Imagine what the relationship will be like with Ella and her sibling.
Today my baby girl is 4yrs old. Lord willing, I pray that she has a sibling baby brother or sister to celebrate with next year and years to come!
Friday, May 6, 2011
More babies
Today is a hard day for me. Today is one of those days when I should just shut off the computer and not read any of it. Some days I just hurt when I see other moms having their second or third baby since I have had Ella. I wish with all my heart that I could be there too. That I could be on my second or third baby by birth. I wish that even with a history of PPD, I could be afforded that opportunity. If I think back though, there is no way on earth that I could have managed another pregnancy, let alone a birth even in the last 1-2 years. I know it was not possible. That does not mean though that it does not hurt or grieve me. It does - alot.
It just hurts today. Plain and simple.
Today, another baby is being born to someone I know. While I am so happy for her, honestly and truly, it hurts me deeply. It hurts me to see moms who can do it when deep down, I wish it was me.
It just hurts today. Plain and simple.
Today, another baby is being born to someone I know. While I am so happy for her, honestly and truly, it hurts me deeply. It hurts me to see moms who can do it when deep down, I wish it was me.
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