Sometimes I strive too hard to become perfect again - to become the person I use to be before I lived the darkest days I can remember. To me, that equates perfection. I know - that makes absolutely no sense. I so desire to be free from PPD/A (the Wiesel), to pretend it didn't happen. That is probably the biggest thing I think about EVERY single day. I just wish it had not happened, and that, if I could just pretend to push it into the back of my mind, that I think it would just miraculously disappear from the life, from my memory most of all. Funny right?
But that can not happen. Most days, I still deal with some form of anxiety or depression or a sensation of sadness or overwhelmedness. But to put that into perspective, 2 year ago, it was every day, every moment, every breath. Now, its just occasionally. I doesn't matter how hard I try - it is still there. I try to fight it so hard that I forget to just live. To live today, to live in the "now". I strive so hard to fix my past, that some days I forget to live today, to live my next thought, to live my next emotion, to live the attitude I have from fear to joy. To rest and just be. It's ok - I won't get worse or go back to those dark days. That will not happen if I stop and rest along the way and journey ahead of me.
I just need to let go.
I just need to stop striving so hard.
I just need to stop my mind and just rest.
I need to accept that this is me and that this will probably be me to some degree, but to say to myself that that is OK, that it means I AM better, even with it not gone gone. Because I can tell myself this and understand it now. Life is different and I can't go back and live in my past of "before children". I always think that the time before kids was a better version of me. I am too hard on myself. The version of ME today is 10 times better because I struggle and I have had to look life right in the eyes and dig deep to get better. Because for me, it made/makes me a fighter and that is what has healed me.
I have the tools now to be better each day. I might not me fixed, but I survived and because of that, I keep going. I need to be proud of myself. It's ok for me to say that. I DID IT.
How did I get here today, to the point of living again? Because of these people and the sacrifices they made to help me at a moments notice. I love them all.
( My husband just read this post and put all I was trying to say into one sentence: "I like the notion seperating from what's behind, claiming the victory over it, and pushing on ahead." ) Why is it that men can say things so clearly with so few words?? :) Love you Rick. Thanks.