I got married and got pregnant. I was thrilled and had a wonderful game plan in my mind as to what being a mom was like, what was going to happen, what I was going to do, what I thought others expected of me.
The expectations of what I thought a mommy was to be like have been a hindrance and part of my journey with PPD. Getting over guilt has been part of the road to recovery. And recovery has been realizing that being a mom does not mean perfection. That I am not guilty for having PPD and that having PPD does not have to be the measuring stick of what my past as a mom is like, now or with the next.
Today, my house is a wreck. There are toys everywhere, dishes are piled up in the kitchen. Most days I live in a t-shirt, sweats and my hair in a pony tail. How people see me outside my house is much different than what I normally look like. Before, I would have thought that I was a bad wife and mother because of all these things. In reality, I am better than I have ever been. 2 years ago was a different story.
Sometimes I have felt inadqueate because I do things that I had told myself I would NEVER do. Never say NEVER! I would never have dishes piled up, I would have my kids watch very little tv shows, I would always have dinner ready, I would always keep up with the laundry, I would never raise my voice at my kids, I would always have a prayful mind, I would do devotions every single day to be a better wife, etc... the list can go on and on.
My expectations of what I thought a mom was to be like have greatly changed, and I still struggle almost daily about what is realistic and true. By I know that I have hope in Christ and that HE is the one who will make me who HE wants me to be.