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Sunday, February 6, 2011

God and PPD

During my blog reading today, I came across a new website called Out of the Valley Ministires, Inc. (http://www.christianppdsupport.org/) I looked around it a bit and was inpresssed with the overall help and support they offer to women. I was reading a post she had written and was greatly encouraged my this verse I saw:

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rest between his shoulders. Deut. 33:12

I will be honest and say that resting in the LORD during PPD was perhaps harder than the PPD itself. I know that may seem weird and you might not understand because it seems like it should have been the other way around. But it wasn't. And I will admit that to you. In the midst of the pain, fear, confusion, depression, panic, exhaustion and such, the LORD seemed the farthest from me because I was so angry. I was mad at God for the valley I was in. I could not reconcile why the Lord was having me go through this, and even today, I still struggle with that. PPD changed me.

I never denyed God. I loved me with all my heart and wanted to trust in Him. I just did not know how. I have said often to Rick and my close friends that God and I were not close friends for awhile. I will say that now, literally in the last 3-6 months, I am actually wanting to grow close to God, to learn, to understand, to rest in Him, to want to grow deeper in wisdom and knowledge. Perhaps it's because my head is clear and I am not struggling to live day in and day out like I was in 2008-to early 2010.

My Pastor told me that we all go through ups and downs in our relationship with the LORD. I needed to hear that because I felt so guilty about where I was with the Lord. You might be reading this and think that, man if I had only gotten my act together and rested in the Lord, I would have had an easier walk with PPD or would not have had to struggle so deeply with it. Perhaps. But I would have to disagree. Part of my recovery from PPD has been to begin to develop a real relationship with the Lord for the first time in YEARS. I had to start my life over and have had to live with a new me, not the me I was before PPD hit me.

I know looking back that the Lord was there, and that I was trying as hard as I could with what I had. Some days it breaks my heart that I told no one about what I was thinking, except Rick and one friend. But that was all I could do.

Tomorrow is a new day for me.

2 comments:

L said...

I have read several of your blogs, and I can relate soooo much with them--especially this one. Thank you for writing. It always helps to know you're not alone. My prayers are with you! We can and will and are getting through this!

Amy B. said...

L~ - I too really loved reading all your posts. I told my husband tonight about your blog and told him and I felt like you had been living in my head the last 3 years - I can relate to so much that you have written. Thanks :)