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Friday, February 4, 2011

What PPD did to my husband

In the midst of the pain and darkness, you forget about those that are walking the PPD road with you, but who are normal and see you in pain. It is hard for them as well. Expecially for men, ar at least for my man.

From the first day knowing something was terribly wrong, my Rick has been there beside me every day, all day, all night, all years. At first, he was there doing everything, that I as mommy should have been doing if I could have. He woke Ella, fed her breakfast, left for work for a couple of hours, came home, fed her lunch, put her down for a nap, left for work for a few more hours, came home, made dinner, did dishes, picked up toys, put ella to bed, came downstairs, made sure I had eaten on the couch, and then would sit and rub my feet on the couch while we watched something that would relax me and not make me anxious or stressed...i.e. Andy Griffith, or Dick Van Dyke. And then we would go to bed and he would do it again the next day and the next.

As I started to come out of the fog, I could begin to see that he was exhausted, but I could do nothing yet myself or if I tried, it would put me down again for weeks. Being served continually and not being able to help back is a position that was very hard for me to watch and feel. I wanted to be that helpmate to my man and I didn't know how. I still feel guilty about that.

Now, as I am getting better, I still see Rick sometimes living the "stay above water and survive mode" that has become our way of life for 3 years. I am getting better and by doing that, I need to help Rick get better. He had to watch me get worse before I got better. He had to see me with nothing in me and live life and make life function for our family.

That man has been my ROCK since day one. I would not have made it without his help, love, patience, compassion, sometimes hard love, sometimes his bluntness to bring me out of the darkness, and most of all, his unselfishness of putting me and Ella first. He had to honor those vows we took of sickness and in health....pretty much from the get go. And it did it by God's grace.

I know he is still hurting from what we had to live through - I know I am. What I am trying to find is a way for both of us to heal together, and to make us even stronger together.

To my man - Rick, I love you babe. I love you for your endless love to me. I love your love for E and I will always be grateful to you for helping me heal physically and now emotionally from PPD. We will make it throught this last bit babe.

Andrew Peterson, Dancing in the Mindfield.

1 comment:

Heidi said...

What a beautiful example of Christian marriage, Amy. I thought of this series of posts - from one of my favorite blogs. This husband needed to be restored for different reasons, but maybe some of what she writes would be helpful for you and Rick.