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Friday, February 25, 2011

ME and Wiesel

I have been doing alot of thinking the last few days on a number of issues so this post might ramble a bit but I think it's time I get it out.

Someone in the PPD world mentioned that I need to fight for ME to get better. That got me to think why have I been trying to get better the last 3 years? Why I have been doing counseling, medication, therapy, etc... I realized that my main reason for doing all that was to help those around me, that they would not have to walk this walk with me anymore. That life would get easier for them, who have given up so much to help me. The fight should not be for the others around me, or my husband or children. (While those are all good ideas and reasons, )I should fight for ME to get better because I am worth it.

I really starting thinking about that. It really made me do a mental shift in my head. Perhaps I have believed that I am doing it for myself, but I really don't think so. Maybe I was just ready to hear it this week, maybe not. For whatever reason, I am now wanting to get better completely for ME - that I am worth the FIGHT everyday to be myself again.

The second thing that I really have chewed on is the idea of what exactly am I trying to fight? What is it? PPD is such a huge illness - it has so many facets that it can be very overwhelming and weary trying to heal from all it's aspects. It dawned on me - that I needed to name my fight - that I needed to mentally fight an "identity" in my head and in a way, make the battle easier.

I have named my PPD "Wiesel". I am no longer fighting to get rid of PPD and all its arms that reach into every part of my being. I am fighting Wiesel - the thing that has ruined so much of my life, the thing that has taken so much away from me.

Wiesel has destroyed enough of my life, of my families life. The Wiesel is going down! It has reared it's ugly head to many times for me to count and even now, 3 years later, it still crawls back into my life when I least expect it.


Anonymous said...

Nice!! Love the name. Its very true - you need to do whats right for YOU. its ok to be "selfish" in this (cuz its really not selfish :)). What an encouraging post on how we need to take control of a situation that tries to control our lives and knock it dead.

Emily S

Anonymous said...

I agree with Emily above in that I think that part of doing it for "me" is a sense of control in an out of control situation. It's the idea of Owning the Day that I have. I can't control the headaches and all the symptoms that I have, but I can fight through it all and do everything I can to get better. And yes, it's for me. I want to feel better, be better, do more and be myself--whoever myself turns out to be. I know that at the end of this I'm not the same person I was before. (because He is faithful to grow us in the middle of whatever crap is happening) I want to play with the kids more, take walks more, go places, cook more, eat more, get to know friends better, love people more-because it makes me happy. And all those good and wonderful things make me happy because that's the way God made me. It isn't all about everyone else....if it were, God wouldn't have saved, sanctified and (someday) glorified ME. And that's just what He did. And you too. You go girl. Find yourself in the midst of the crap-you are the bright shiny thing bringing smiles and loves to those around you and this girl's heart. I adore you!

Amy B. said...

Thanks E & M - you both are sweet!