I have been doing alot of thinking the last few days on a number of issues so this post might ramble a bit but I think it's time I get it out.
Someone in the PPD world mentioned that I need to fight for ME to get better. That got me to think why have I been trying to get better the last 3 years? Why I have been doing counseling, medication, therapy, etc... I realized that my main reason for doing all that was to help those around me, that they would not have to walk this walk with me anymore. That life would get easier for them, who have given up so much to help me. The fight should not be for the others around me, or my husband or children. (While those are all good ideas and reasons, )I should fight for ME to get better because I am worth it.
I really starting thinking about that. It really made me do a mental shift in my head. Perhaps I have believed that I am doing it for myself, but I really don't think so. Maybe I was just ready to hear it this week, maybe not. For whatever reason, I am now wanting to get better completely for ME - that I am worth the FIGHT everyday to be myself again.
The second thing that I really have chewed on is the idea of what exactly am I trying to fight? What is it? PPD is such a huge illness - it has so many facets that it can be very overwhelming and weary trying to heal from all it's aspects. It dawned on me - that I needed to name my fight - that I needed to mentally fight an "identity" in my head and in a way, make the battle easier.
I have named my PPD "Wiesel". I am no longer fighting to get rid of PPD and all its arms that reach into every part of my being. I am fighting Wiesel - the thing that has ruined so much of my life, the thing that has taken so much away from me.
Wiesel has destroyed enough of my life, of my families life. The Wiesel is going down! It has reared it's ugly head to many times for me to count and even now, 3 years later, it still crawls back into my life when I least expect it.